There are many different conspiracy theories about this recent meteor attack on Russia, but Christwire has discovered the truth. First, let me debunk all the “theories”, and then I will tell you what actually happened. Many of you are already thinking that I will say it had something to do with the gays or blacks, but you’re wrong already, and that makes you bigots.
Let’s start with the theory from Vladimir Zhirinovsky, head of the nationalist Liberal Democrat Party. He said that the meteor was actually a new weapon that the U.S. constructed, and John Kerry ordered tested.
The next theory is that God was angry at Illinois for allowing Gay Marriage, and somehow he missed his target. We all know that is an impossible theory, because God has perfect aim.
The last theory actually seems a bit more realistic though. This theory revolves around the fact that the Urals in Russia have the largest amount of black Russians in the country, so God was trying to purify the area of sin-skinned types. This makes a lot of sense to normal skinned people, but the fact remains that of the 1200+ people injured, only 4 of them were blacks, and God has better aim than that.
The truth about this meteor strike has recently been discovered though. There is a band called Damien (Update: recently changed their name to AFK’D or Artist Formerly Known as Damien, probably to avoid criminal proceedings for this terrorist attack). Just a week or two before this horrible attack on Russia, this band released a song called “R’lyeh” on the Interwebs, including in Russia. This horrible song contains Satanic words by H.P. Lovecraft calling for the return of Cthulhu, the evil guardian of the sea and master of meteorites. As this groups song was played over and over again on their illegal music sharing site called Soundcloud, the demon named Cthulhu gained more strength and was able to hurl this massive meteor towards a newly Christian nation of Russia. You can hear the song here:
Before reviewing this song, ask all women and children to leave the room, and pray that God destroys this demon named Cthulhu and this vile band.
With lyrics like “some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.”, it is clear that this band has caused Russia to weep for the first time since Ronald Reagan made them quiver in fear and remove all of their nuclear weapons. Normally, I would be a fan of Russia weeping, but it has recently been reported that over 80% of Russians are now embracing Christianity, and that once evil country is now following America’s Holy lead.
Pray with me tonight that this horrible band stops releasing this vile music. We must end these unnatural disasters by boycotting bands like this, and returning to the God glorifying music of Sandi Patti and Amy Grant.
God bless you all, and stay safe.