• Is Daryl from The Walking Dead a secret emosexual?

    March 28, 2013 9:11 am 0 comments
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    Lunatic fringe: Daryl Dixon’s increasingly ludicrous haircut has begun to scream (or “screamo”) emo.

    FEW shows on television are more disgusting than Game of Thrones,  16 & Pregnant and Smash. But there are still a few.

    One of these is The Walking Dead, a high-concept post-apocalyptic drama series based on a series of crudely drawn comic books that everybody now claims that they were reading long before the smut peddlers at AMC hired a bunch of licentious English actors to turn them into cheap, splattering, fornication-heavy televisual trash with which to capture undiscriminating eyeballs for low-rent advertisers.

    Christian viewers scoff at the ridiculous zombie scenario of The Walking Dead because they know that the dead have not walked the earth since the events of Matthew 27:50-54:

    50 And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit.

    51 Then, behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth quaked, and the rocks were split, 52 and the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised; 53 and coming out of the graves after His resurrection, they went into the holy city and appeared to many.

    54 So when the centurion and those with him, who were guarding Jesus, saw the earthquake and the things that had happened, they feared greatly, saying, “Truly this was the Son of God!”

    Yet The Walking Dead would have us believe that this unlikely biblical scene is about to be replayed in present-day Georgia? I don’t think so.

    But an even more worrying development has begun to develop in recent episodes. Everybody’s favourite character, the rugged, manly, muscular, sweaty, brooding, sensual all-American heterosexual rootin’-tootin’ crossbow-huntin’ heartthrob Daryl Dixon has begun to develop a distinctly emosexual or “Scene Kid” haircut.

    The show’s Christian fans — of which there are few — initially refused to believed that such a wholesome, blue-collar Southern gentleman as Mr Dixon could possible be seduced by the effete attractions of such listless emosexual bands as Black Veal Brides, Fallen on Reverse, Blood and the Dance Floor, and Davey’s Vanities. But then again at first Christians believed that millions of good, wholesome, corn-fed, churchgoing Midwestern youth would soon  become hopelessly addicted to a tacky urban drug like crystal meth. But now across the great corn fields of the Midwest millions of stupid kids are now “riding the white buffalo” as they say in their country-hipster (“hickster”) slang.

    But a close examination of stills from recent episodes of The Walking Dead shows that Daryl’s hair is becoming more and more emosexual. His “fringe” or “bangs” is unnaturally straight and pulled down across his right eyebrow in an effeminate manner.

    Stop for a moment to think about what a huge, life-threatening commitment to emosexuality this represents. For starters, it probably requires an electric hair-straightener.  But in The Walking Dead there is no electricity so Daryl would need to acquire a diesel generator and make regular trips to the Circle K to get more diesel (or “diesel fuel”, as Americans call it).

    That’s a big enough risk in itself but then you have to factor in the fact that the noise of the generator would attract lots of zombies!

    Presumably, in the post-apocalyptic milieu of The Walking Dead, the likes of Andy Biersack, Billy Biersack, Ronny Radke and Gerald Way are already dead or zombies themselves, so it’s a sad irony that they can still reach out from beyond the grave and straighten the fringe of America’s last great hope.

    Over to you: Do you think that Daryl is a secret emosexual? Are you worried about the hairstyles of other people on TV?

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    About The Author
    Arthur Durry Arthur Durry is a lively, inactive Australian whose interests include biblical exegesis, cricket and seafood. Formerly known as Exbrony, he was never a brony.

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