• Is it time to ban bicycles from our streets?

    March 12, 2013 8:04 am 224 comments
    Not a care in the world: "Lycra lout" cyclists aren't doing enough to help the global energy crisis.

    Not a care in the world: “Lycra lout” cyclists aren’t doing enough to help the global energy crisis.

    IT’S no secret that cyclists are the most annoying, irresponsible, anti-social, smug, self-righteous hipster scofflaws on our roads.

    Whether you’re a pedestrian or you drive a 22-wheel road train delivering new Hummers to the local dealership, you know very well the sinister scourge of the cyclist.

    These self-styled “lycra louts” are constantly running red lights, knocking over law- abiding women and children while illegally riding on the footpath, failing to come to a  complete stop at stop signs, taking up whole lanes while riding two abreast, and banging on the roofs of legally parked cars just because you opened your door in front of them. They are the number-one cause of road rage and the number-one offenders in road rage incidents.

    Even more obnoxiously, they celebrate their illegal exploits in foul-mouthed hip-hopped music videos like the one below, which goes by the needlessly shocking title of Motherfucking Bike.

    These so-called cyclocorrido songs are much like the infamous Mexican narcocorridos in which Mexican gang members brazenly celebrate their sadistic drug murders while displaying two tattooed fingers to law enforcement, the taxpayer and polite society in general.

    *** WARNING: This offensive cyclist video contains offensive terms including “erection”, “motherfucking bike”, “ass” and “UHHNNGG!!” ***

    And the list of cyclist crimes goes on and on — celebrating Chinese communism and the atrocities of Mao’s ironically named “Great Leap Forward” (which, ironically, killed millions of cyclists), glamourising the way that Hirohito’s army of bandy-legged war criminals cycled its way down the Malayan peninsula into Singapore, celebrating the shady behaviour of drug addicts like Lance Armstrong, encouraging the perverted peccadillos of perverts who sniff ladies’ bicycle seats outside public libraries… It figuratively never ends!

    All this is bad enough, but might might cyclists be responsible for the end of Christian civilisation itself?

    It might seem unlikely but the fact of the matter is that peak oil is fast approaching, and that all people of good will need to put their brains together and come up with new solutions for a word without oil.

    But the so-called cyclists of this world think that they have already done enough! They think that by conserving a few measly litres of petrol by cycling to work or to pick up their welfare cheques they are too holy to concern themselves with such lowly concerns as the global energy crisis and the global environmental crisis!

    Shame on them! Shame, I say! Shame!

    It’s about time that these selfish do-nothings grow up, learn to behave like adults and start facing up to the responsibilities up to which the rest of us have to face!

    Banning bicycles from our roads and streets would be a good start.

    Over to you: Would you join a “Ban the Bike” campaign? What penalties do you think convicted “lycra louts” deserve?

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    I do my best to approve comments on my stories, but most of the other authors are too busy doing the LORD’s work to concern themselves with such things. — Arthur

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    About The Author
    Arthur Durry Arthur Durry is a lively, inactive Australian whose interests include biblical exegesis, cricket and seafood. Formerly known as Exbrony, he was never a brony.

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