• Pokemon has a bird-flu cock snot problem

    March 19, 2013 9:26 am 139 comments

    Faint hope: A Pokemon after being forced to fight until it passes out and possibly dies of bird flu.

    IT’S no secret that Pokemon is the most vile, sadistic and insidious animal-fighting game ever inflicted on an entire generation of impressionable children. Even now, it could be breeding a whole new legion of Michael Vickses who think that it’s perfectly fine to force dogs to fight to the death just because they grew up watching that sort of sicko action on low-quality Japanese cartoons.

    But could Pokemon bear an even greater guilt? Could it already have a human death toll? A death toll that could quickly balloon into tens or hundreds of millions?

    Quite possibly. Pokemon could be helping to spread deadly H5N1 bird flu across Asia and into unsuspecting Western countries.

    At this very moment, in an American Airlines airliner high above the Pacific, there could be a sweating, sneezing, American tourist headed home to Los Angeles, New York, Denver, Dallas, or even Athens County, Ohio, unwittingly passing on a viral time bomb to everyone he sees.

    Within weeks, millions of Americans could be dead.

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    Bye bye birdy: In Pokemon’s sicko version of reality, filthy, lice-ridden pigeons never die. In real life they can kill you with the deadly H5N1 virus.

    All because of Pokemon.

    Pokemon glamourises cockfighting, and cockfighting spreads bird flu. In Asian cockfights, the cock owners expose themselves to cock diseases when they suck the cock snot out of their cock nostrils to make them breathe better. In Thailand alone, at least eight human deaths have been linked to cockfights.

    If the deplorable, desensitising violence of Pokemon games and cartoons is enticing Asian children into the high-risk world of Asian cockfighting, the very least that Nintendo could do is try to incorporate a public health warning into its silly products.

    A sample bit of dialogue could go as follows:

    ASH: Crikey! That bulbasaur sure beat the living tripe out of my old pikachu! I think I’d better give his nostrils a bit of a suck!

    MISTY: No, Ash! Wait! Don’t you know that you can get the avian influenza by sucking the blood and mucus out of injured animals?

    That’s two lines that could quite possibly save millions of lives. But will Nintendo do it? Of course not.

    The hypocrisy is staggering. And it could kill us all.

     

    ***UPDATE*** In the comments section below, a certain pokephile who is usually very reasonable but who has some very strange ideas about Pokemon is claiming that Pokemon bears no resemblance to cockfighting.

    150px-Torchic

    Exposed: This cockfighting Pokemon chicken grows up to be a great big cock with cockfighting spurs on its legs.

    This is demonstrably untrue. Just look at the little chicken thing call Torchic, which grows into a great big cock thing called Blaziken, which actually has cockfighting spurs on its legs.

    Checkmate, Pokefans. Or, should I say, Pokabusers.

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    About The Author
    Arthur Durry Arthur Durry is a lively, inactive Australian whose interests include biblical exegesis, cricket and seafood. Formerly known as Exbrony, he was never a brony.

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