• Will Russia get Alaska back because of gay marriage?

    March 21, 2013 12:55 pm 26 comments
    800px-Iditarod_Ceremonial_start_in_Anchorage,_Alaska

    Doggone it: Barack Obama’s gay-friendly policies could put the Iditarod in Russian hands.

    FOR many years worried Christians have been warning that gay marriage would lead to all sorts of terrible consequences — legalised paedophilia, Mormon polygamy and furrysexual furverts marrying their long-suffering huskies (and continuing to do unnatural things to their sheaths and tail holes).

    But not even in their sweatiest fever dreams could American Christians have imagined that the cost of Barack Obama’s support of homosexualist matrimony would be losing the great state of Alaska.

    But now Russian Christians have taken legal action to reclaim Alaska from America on the legal grounds that they don’t like gays. If their lawsuit is successful, and if Obama agrees to give Alaska back to them, Alaska could soon be part of Russia once more.

    Great Alaskan-American heroes like Sarah Palin would be forced to do their grocery shopping in foreign Russian roubles instead of the holy American dollar. The skippers from Deadliest Catch would have to smoke disgusting Russian cigarettes and the American crabs they catch would end up on Moscow dinner plates in front of billionaire Russian oligarchs.

    Why is this happening? Great American preachers like Pat Robertson have been warning that God is lifting his protection from America because American acceptance of same-sex shenanigans makes the baby Jesus cry.

    At the same time, Russia has started cracking down hard on the gays, with Moscow banning sassy, flamboyant gay parades for 100 years. The Russian church has called for the criminalisation of blasphemy and has had members of the female punk outfit Pussy Riot sentenced to years of forced labour in remote Siberian gulags even though they might not be lesbians. Is all this just coincidence?

    Could the Russians have replaced the Americans as Yahweh’s chosen people just because they hate the gays more? Are Americans now doomed to trillions upon trillions of years of torture in God’s own Guantanamo Bay, just like the Jews were when they rejected Jesus?

    Updates to follow as this important story develops.

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    About The Author
    Arthur Durry Arthur Durry is a lively, inactive Australian whose interests include biblical exegesis, cricket and seafood. Formerly known as Exbrony, he was never a brony.

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