Will Russia get Alaska back because of gay marriage?
Doggone it: Barack Obama’s gay-friendly policies could put the Iditarod in Russian hands.
FOR many years worried Christians have been warning that gay marriage would lead to all sorts of terrible consequences — legalised paedophilia, Mormon polygamy and furrysexual furverts marrying their long-suffering huskies (and continuing to do unnatural things to their sheaths and tail holes).
But not even in their sweatiest fever dreams could American Christians have imagined that the cost of Barack Obama’s support of homosexualist matrimony would be losing the great state of Alaska.
But now Russian Christians have taken legal action to reclaim Alaska from America on the legal grounds that they don’t like gays. If their lawsuit is successful, and if Obama agrees to give Alaska back to them, Alaska could soon be part of Russia once more.
Great Alaskan-American heroes like Sarah Palin would be forced to do their grocery shopping in foreign Russian roubles instead of the holy American dollar. The skippers from Deadliest Catch would have to smoke disgusting Russian cigarettes and the American crabs they catch would end up on Moscow dinner plates in front of billionaire Russian oligarchs.
Why is this happening? Great American preachers like Pat Robertson have been warning that God is lifting his protection from America because American acceptance of same-sex shenanigans makes the baby Jesus cry.
At the same time, Russia has started cracking down hard on the gays, with Moscow banning sassy, flamboyant gay parades for 100 years. The Russian church has called for the criminalisation of blasphemy and has had members of the female punk outfit Pussy Riot sentenced to years of forced labour in remote Siberian gulags even though they might not be lesbians. Is all this just coincidence?
Could the Russians have replaced the Americans as Yahweh’s chosen people just because they hate the gays more? Are Americans now doomed to trillions upon trillions of years of torture in God’s own Guantanamo Bay, just like the Jews were when they rejected Jesus?
Updates to follow as this important story develops.
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I do my best to approve comments on my stories, but most of the other authors are too busy doing the LORD’s work to concern themselves with such things. — Arthur
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Author: Arthur Durry
Arthur Durry is a lively, inactive Australian whose interests include biblical exegesis, cricket and seafood. Formerly known as Exbrony, he was never a brony.
3:07 pm
1st comment.
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7:43 pm
And last to be saved.
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8:09 pm
Actually I already reserved that spot… Kind of a waste of money since I don’t feel like being saved anyway…
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4:28 pm
WTF?!
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4:34 pm
Oh…
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8:26 am
Hi Ex-Atheist. Good to see you.
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4:15 pm
Bad day Pt. 2…
Dad went to the haert doctor and he said that the chest pain probably WAS his heart…They just don’t know what caused it…Bother…
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8:10 pm
I’m sorry to hear that, dude. I hope they can work out what’s going on. How are you holding up?
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6:25 pm
I’m fine…For now.
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5:56 pm
Most sentinent adults know that Jesus WAS not IS a baby.
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6:00 pm
You know AD’s verse he’s got in his bio? Here is the rest of it:
5 But if our unrighteousness brings out God’s righteousness more clearly, what shall we say? That God is unjust in bringing his wrath on us? (I am using a human argument.) 6 Certainly not! If that were so, how could God judge the world? 7 Someone might argue, “If my falsehood enhances God’s truthfulness and so increases his glory, why am I still condemned as a sinner?” 8 Why not say—as some slanderously claim that we say—“Let us do evil that good may result”? Their condemnation is just!
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8:22 pm
“Use thou not proper context against my exegesis” — 2 Diprotodonts 1:2.
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11:23 am
That sin’t a verse…Or a book…I know that. Nice try.
You’ve been busted.
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11:26 am
I actually took the time to figure out that your verse was taken way out of context…I know all the books in the bible and Diprotodonts isn’t one of them. I saw that immediately.
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9:14 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diprotodontia
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4:33 pm
I see that you removed that verse from your little bio…
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10:19 pm
Yes, I did because you pointed out that I was using it out of context. That’s one mistake I’ll never make again…
Thanks.
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7:11 am
Wait your an Australian but susan said you all are evil and what not why should we be listing to you?
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10:34 pm
if we believe everything susans said Only american is Good and the rest of the world is bad and evil
when you think Like that there is already something wrong with american who think like that
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6:48 am
NA they just forget half the crap they say on this site and it’s really funny when two post are back to back counter each other.
Now a day they can’t do anything good they keep using same old stuff from 2008
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6:37 am
You guys are so fucking stupid. “He” (if even real) said to not judge. And then you dumbfucks go around treating PEOPLE, REAL FUCKING PEOPLE, like unearthly scum. I like your God, but it’s his followers that are a bunch of uneducated judgemental fucks.
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6:31 pm
You beat me to it.
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8:51 pm
“I like your God”
Why do you like a god who demands that homosexuals be put to death?
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9:09 pm
You don’t care that Cultwire worships the exact same god and even wants to kill gay people so really I don’t see why you seem to have an issue with other people being Christian.
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9:12 pm
Stop stalking me.
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9:08 pm
WE DON’T WANTALASKABACK SARAH PALIN WAS BORNTHERE THAT,EANS SHE WOULD BE RUSSIAN AKA STAY THERE
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