America’s secret ally in the oil war has finally succumbed to ‘illness’, most likely caused by esponiage from the Soviets. Hugo Chavez died yesterday from a rare form of cancer that the KGB is known to inflict upon its politial enemies. It is no coincidence that the South American strongman died during the reign of Barack Obama, a conspirator in a socialist global agenda to weaken America.
As a young man, it was not uncommon to see photos of young Hugo Chavez looking every part the bleeding heart liberal. A non-working man’s beard, a dingy 80s bodysuit and rebellious eyes were all part of his nature.
But as Chavez grew older, he recognized one truth: America loves oil and every oil loving nation should love America. He began to understand and recognize the good of America’s Republican party, the people who will protect oil and nations who freely share it at any cost.
Despite being challenged for power throughout his career, Chavez knew the GOP had his back. In return, he only had to do one thing: pretend he did not like the country he secretly admired. For years, Chavez was the best double agent for America, bilking secrets from dangerous men like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-Un.
With Chavez gone and killed by the Soviets, it is now apparent that the socialists were privy to vital information. They knew Chavez was a double agent, that every day he drew air, America would profit from his secret gaming of the oil industry in our favor. Watch the price at the pumps: the costs will now continue to skyrocket, just like Obama wants them to.
Key Republican officials have already been kicked out of Venezuela. China and Russia celebrate, as they know with higher gas prices, America’s economy will continue to tank. The Middle East nations celebrate as well, because America’s dependence on oil that’s a war an ocean away increased as well.
Against all these odds, America must consider one thing: we must invade Venezuela.
We must assume the office of rule for Venezuela, because as of now the nation is without a leader. Some big moustached loudmouth in a bodysuit is already claiming himself the billionaire leader, but we must go ahead and put down his regime before it is too well entrenched. America needs oil, Venezuela cannot be trusted and by the power of the Monroe Doctrine, we are free to invade Venezuela without interference from any nation from the Eastern hemisphere.
And with no one in this hemisphere besides Canada to complain about our actions, which they will not, it only makes sense to simply declare America the absolute rule for Venezuela. If you need convincing on this being a good idea, simply thing about this: you will see gas prices drop to under $1 and even have enough money to buy yourself a Slurpee, or two, you big bellied, oil loving handsome American.