NOW that the Eurosexual tinsel has settled after this year’s Eurovision song contest, it’s time to reflect on what we actually saw. And what we saw wasn’t pretty!
It’s no secret that Eurovision is the most effete and decadent song competition held anywhere in the world. This is no surprise because Europe is a tragically benighted continent.
In the east it’s all godless communists, weirdo Orthodox and swarthy Muslims. In the south it’s morally and fiscally bankrupt kiddie fiddlers who take their orders from the Vatican. In the north it’s sexually depraved drug-toking socialists who swan about Scandinavia and Amsterdam with licentious social mores and dangling marijuana joints. To the west is Britain, where the urban decay is matched only by the tooth decay, and Ireland, a land of pugnacious alcoholic little ogres whose ginger sideburns grow right up to their bloodshot eyeballs.
But even given such a noisome cauldron of Eurosexual degeneracy from which to draw musical talent, Eurovision 2013 was an atrocity.
From Romania, a land synonymous with vampires, communist dictators and Nazi collaborators, we saw the unedifying spectacle of Cezar — a man styling himself after the caesars of Rome! Cezar’s horrible, baffling song It’s My Life, featured him dressed like a homosexual vampire against a hellish-red backdrop while seemingly naked red men or demons cavorted around him (even Freddie Mercury would have told him to tone it down!). Worse, the song featured a dated, passe commercial dubstepper “bass drop” of the kind now found in most television advertisements for banks, insurance companies and Korean hatchbacks.
From Finland, the fetching and pulchritudinous blonde Krista Siegfrids promised some respite with the traditional sentiments of her number, Marry Me. The hearts of Christian men leapt as she sang such lines as “Baby, I feel like a sinner, skipping dinner to get thinner” and “I’m your slave and you’re my master”. But it was all a tricky bait and switch! At the end of her rousing performance she mouthkissed another woman, turning the whole thing into an advertisement for gay marriage!
From Greece, jaunty ska outfit Koza Mostra played what on the surface seemed to be agreeable Aegean ditty. Unfortunately, ska is synonymous with British neo-Nazi skinheads, and so the song seemed an undiplomatic celebration of the fact that hundreds of thousands of Greeks are now voting for the neo-Nazi Golden Dawn party.
The list of Eurosexual atrocities at this year’s Eurovision goes on and on — it could fill several pages and just as many sick buckets!
Over to you: What were your highlights and lowlights from Eurovision 2013? Are you sick of all this Eurosexual garbage? What European bands would you like to see compete at Eurovision 2014? Or should the whole thing just be scrapped?
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