• WoW: Skyrim, The Elder Scrolls Online Beta Causes 97% School Dropout Rate in June

    June 22, 2013 11:20 pm 7 comments

    Skyrim is a dangerous game series we have constantly warned parents about:  suburban mothers selling their ‘virtues’ for WoW gold, innocent family cats going feral when observing their owners play the game for too long, to the poor man in Sweden who was held down and received a sustained ‘throbbing gristle’ backside ravaging from a wide-eyed guild hopped up on Mountain Dew and Doritos.

    The problem with Skyrim is the poor pixilation of the characters and long, overly involved story line confuse the mind.  It puts the player in a sort of sleep-walking like trance, where he or she blurs the line between reality and the game.  To the World of Warcraft:  Skryim player, giving up their flesh to an old silver-daddy seeking an ‘epic mount’ and morals is nothing for them, as it lets them acquire rare legendary characters in the game that can help on their fantasy quests.

    Thus, we see the newest expansion pack for World of Warcraft:  Skyrim in the Elder Scrolls Beta Online.  In this game, the producers from Bethesda’s Blizzard Entertainment pull of the ultimate in setting up an environment where rich, old men can prey on the desperate, WoW-addicted college student.

    We first noticed this alarming trend when our number of college students attending University Ministries dropped in June.

    We were concerned that perhaps they had all lost the faith or their way with all the frolicking beach bodies of summer bouncing about, but deeper research showed that many students simply ‘dropped out’ of school and it perfectly coincided on the first announced release date for Elder Scrolls Online.

    But intense research into internet the r/hookups board on internet site Reddit.com revealed the truth.  A group of elder silver-daddies had commissioned a new release for World of Warcraft called the “Elder Scrolls, Online”.

    Silver-daddies are rich, older men who flaunt their money and power to garner the affections and pleasures of young, poor college students.  Bill Clinton enticing Monica Lewinsky is a prime example of a silver-daddy in action.

    Most WoW players are socially awkward and inexperienced with their bodies, making them even more lucrative to silver-daddies.  WoW provides cheap, immersive entertainment for poor college students and the jobless, making them really feel like sitting at home all alone in their basement or college form is quite the adventure.

    To reach these desperate, destitute people, the silver-daddies knew they would have to ‘invade’ their domain and let their presence be known.  Hence, The Elder Scrolls Online.

    Now, with just several clicks, WoW players can install this latest plugin and be linked to millions of old men worldwide, willing to give them all the WoW gold they want for just taking a ‘hand scroll of their leathery bags’.  The jargon these people come up with is sick and beyond the scope of this article, but you get the idea.

    Once traditional WoW:  Skyrim players are linked up with the WoW:  Elder Scrolls community, the Elder Scrolls are free to prey, instant message and feast upon the actual flesh of their college concubines, in all the most lurid, sinful scenarios you can think up.

    So instead of staying in school or working a great campus job for the summer, instead these little WoW miscreants are taking ‘selfies’ to advertise themselves playing the WoW expansion and then spending all summer being Epic mounted by old men, not telling their parents about it all in the process.  And this is why America’s future is in such jeopardy.

    If you find your college child is trying to join the Elder Scrolls Beta online community, immediately confiscate the computer and burn it in a fireplace or throw it into the river!  They will cry and complain that their life is ruined, but you just let them know that they will thank you in the long run.

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    About The Author
    Reverend Clyde H. Higgins You're all sinners in the hands of an angry God, a spider dangling over the burning flames of hell and only protected by one silk thread. God has scissors ready and hates those who spin webs of sin.

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