Terrorists Declare Stand Your Ground Law for Middle East, Absolve Selves of All Criminal Charges Against America
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaks to the press, announcing that Iran reserves the right to use nuclear weapons under the country’s new Stand-Your-Ground laws. Terrorists are also making similar claims.
Excited to see the results of Saturday’s Stand-Your-Ground trial where George Zimmerman was found innocent and in legal innocence for shooting an unarmed teenager in the chest, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran issued a statement, absolving groups such as Al-Qaeda and the Taliban from all charges of terrorism the United States issued against them.
In a joint-statement read by the Iranian leader, terrorists collectively expressed that Americans scare them to death, especially when they fly into their countries with planes loaded with bombs and billions of dollars worth of personal firearms. The American soldier’s habits of looking ‘suspicious in their camouflage and sneaking around our neighborhoods’ was also cited in the Declaration of Fears of many of the terrorists.
Terrorists are also formally requesting to be addressed as “Community Watchmen” instead of terrorists by global and US Media, or they will be forced to file lawsuits after their August 31st compliance deadline is reached.
Ahmed al-Habib, the spokesman for the Taliban, gave a personal account: “One evening I strolled innocently through my village in Gaofū, Afghanistan, nestled right below the Tora Bora (Spīn Ghar) region. I belong to the neighborhood watch and we are trained to look for suspicious looking people who don’t live here, like all Americans. I though I saw one of them hiding behind a rock, drinking a cool water in the evening heat. I was absolutely terrified at the sight and shot my AK-47 in his general direction in self-defense. He got away, but hopefully he now knows our neighborhood watch is of serious bearing.”
Al-Habib’s personal story matches the accounts now being given by terrorists all throughout the region, including Iran, Afghanistan and Syria.
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, formerly declared a fascist dictator by Western media has joined the movement, declaring the whole of Syria a ‘Stand-Your-Ground’ state and naming himself the Neighborhood Watch Leader.
Once accused of being a bloodthirsty monster with no moral center, a visibly justified Assad took to the press to release his statement. “Over the years, I have been personally terrified by people in my country who wear hoodies or grow long beards. I felt threatened by them and once was scratched in the face by one of them. So since that time, I have stood my ground and killed them.”
To date, Assad has been accused by the UN and Amnesty International of murdering over 120,000 people.
“I wish Osama bin-Laden were alive today to see the US has finally come to our way of thinking, to see that they finally understand that sometimes, you just have to kill people who ‘scare you’ with the way they look. He would have been proud,” stated another spokesman for the Taliban.
A tearful Assad shook his head up-and-down, pensive in agreement.
Barack Obama has yet to respond to the new Stand-Your-Ground movement sweeping through the Middle East.