Two firm, fit athletes from Russia kiss to defy Vladimir Putin’s new anti-American gay laws.
Moscow, Russia – For years I have warned the world that “Russia” is just a sham and that the true Soviet Union, bereft of equality for all, still lies beneath. After the last American decade, where our great country has brought freedom to Iraq, Afghanistan, Egypt and other lesser countries, the world has balked at us and put us under the microscope.
Instead of recognizing us as Christian liberators, international media has dared call us ‘warmongers’ and ‘arrogant conquerors’. Hopefully with the latest shenanigans the communists are pulling off, however, the world recognizes one truth: America is the only nation that can defend you from tyranny.
America is a perfect country, all people are equal. Even us Republican Christians, we realized that impeached Democrat Bill Clinton’s Defense of Marriage Act was wrong, just like so many laws created by democrats (e.g., slavery, Jim Crowe, women could not vote). We voted the law out of existence and despite what the Bible says, we have given each state the right to say gay people can get married.
And by default, gay people can kiss and compete in sports in our country. It matters not your lifestyle, beliefs, sin-type or all that in America: all free people are equal and at the end of the day, we are all united.
So to all the gay people in Russia, I say to you this: welcome. As long as this is not some Soviet scheme to use gay spies to steal all our nuclear secrets, which we will have our eyes firmly planted on you, we will embrace you as brethren as you assimilate to our American culture and leak us all the plans the Russians have in store for us in the 2014 Olympics.