Queen Elizabeth Delivers World War III Speech, Declares War on “Irreverant, Infant Nations, Especially America”
London, England – In a shocking display of long-forgotten regal fury, the Queen of England perched herself upon her throne and declared war upon the entire world. Calling it her “World War III” speech, the Queen of England has vowed to restore the British Empire to its former glory and to fully punish the United States for being a ‘whiny little brat in the food court, dirty chocolate-filled fingers clamoring with greed for more, more, more!’
Before getting into the meat of the Queen’s speech, it is important to remember one thing about the British: they are bloodthirsty and war-hungry. Deep within the genes of all British people is the same type of volatile gene-set you find in a pitbull or a shark: give it enough love, you can keep it happy. But at a moment’s notice or with the smell of fresh blood, it turns into a snarling, wide-eyed beast, dead-set on world domination and making you pay double-taxes on your breakfast beverages.
Remember, these people once conquered the entire planet. The phrase “The Sun Never Sets On The British Empire” was a literal reality. The economic squalor in Africa, the turmoil in the middle east and the nuclear arms race are all the fault of British greed and their insatiable appetite for destruction.
The Queen of England cannot resist war. Her sons and grandsons cannot either. During World War II, a young Princess Elizabeth took off to Nazi-Germany, because she wanted to shoot some of ‘those damned bastards’. Sources indicate she may have killed over 30 Nazi soldiers. When not shooting down Nazis, she was a prized mechanic who eventually helped develop one of the first rotating turrets in a war jeep.
After World War II, Queen Elizabeth settled down into her role as leader of the British people and during the 1950s, ascended the throne.
It was not until 1981 that the world found out why after World War II, the British people were so quiet and not war-life anymore. The Queen simply demanded the country ‘save up its power’ to unleash again upon the world.
In 1981, with royal coffers refreshed and a standing army at her backside, the Queen of England mounted her horse and lead her nation into battle against The Soviet Union.
Landing upon the Western parts of Russia, the Queen and her troops started a bold march to the Kremlin, where they planned to demand a formal surrender of Soviet forces. The Queen delivered a World War III speech for the first time, telling the British people to stand strong and to be prepared for nuclear warfare.
Out of touch with modern warfare, the Queen was shocked to find that the Soviets were armed with computerized weaponry and advanced rifles, one of which shot a bullet that grazed her cheek. Determined and resolute, however, the queen moved on and after temporarily defeating a small Western Russian town and holding it hostage for a week, the Queen negotiated a treaty with Soviet officials to grant the queen a ‘tribute’ of a faberge egg, other jewels and the title ‘Czarina of the Western World‘.
The Soviets tried to hide all records of the Queen of England’s raid into their lands but more picture evidence continually emerges about the actions of those three days. So as it stands in 2013, with British coffers needing to be expanded for the new Royal Baby, America should take heed to reports that the Queen is once again banging her war drums.
Do not forget, deep within the Queen’s blood is the essence of domination. The Royal Family has always been a militaristic dominatrix and old habits do die hard. The British will be coming, but will America be ready. Or will a small town have to suffer the consequences?