Moscow, Russia (ChristWire) – The Kremlin released a photograph of Vladimir Putin today, moments after he dove into an ocean and “beat the ever loving sh#$ out of a great white shark”, according to bystander Sergei Glasnost. Insiders say that Putin was steaming upset that Obama did not have the spine to bomb Syria and go to war with Russia.
“The man is giant American pussy,” Russian media quotes Vladimir Putin saying of Barack Obama. “He is weak and cannot even fight minnow. I killed a shark.”
Shocked officials claim Putin dove into warm waters off the Syria coast late yesterday afternoon, audibly cussing as he couldn’t find any sharks to make his point. Frazzled and growing impatient, Vladimir Putin allegedly pulled a pocket knife from his swimming shorts and stabbed himself right in the heart so the ‘blood would be fresh’.
With blood pouring from his body, Putin waited for a shark to approach him before ‘repeatedly crushing the shark in the head’. Several bystanders state they heard the shark physically cry and several young children closed their eyes tightly and held their mothers. Even several generals on scene begged for Putin to have mercy on the shark, which he dragged to shore by its ventral fin.
The White House has not responded to Putin’s challenge at time of report.