For those of you having to deal with a classically sarcastic, ironic gay man in your life, there is good news for you. The FDA recently approved a miracle pill that can alter a gay person’s brain to be less sarcastic and snappy, so that you can have a conversation without their witty interludes and dry-humor.
Our office gay, “Lance”, is especially intolerable on Monday mornings. Hungover and excessively caffeinated, he is always just so cranky and snappy. Last week, I came in and helped myself to some Monday donuts and Lance had the nerve to say, “Maybe you should check out the dontnuts instead, tubby.”
I was so angry. I may be a few pounds overweight, but there was just no need for that. Then what made it worse is because of his gay comedic timing, me with a donut right in my mouth as he strolled by and said it under his breath, loud enough so everyone else in the breakroom could hear, there was that slight, throaty laughter when you catch yourself wanting to laugh hard but don’t.
I was so embarassed and got did in by that gay snippiness. It’s frustrating!
It’s a well known fact that 90% of gay marriages end in divorce. The numbers are even more dismal for civil unions and Grindr booty-hookupships. My interns tell me that average length of relationship for non-wed gays is a steamy weekend.
Now some may say this is because gays are so virile and fertile they just cannot control their libido to a single relationship. I’ve met some pretty ‘vanilla’ gay in my day, so I disagree. It is my experience that gays can be so completely ironic and snappy, always with some sort of smart-alack quip in their commentary, that after a weekend of liquor, exhausting antics and cut-throat honesty veiled under humor, that they are so ticked off and vexed with each other they just break up and move on to the next person.
In the advertisement for this pill, you can see two archegays Neil Patrick Harris and Jim Parsons are acting up on the left. It is the usual fair that you would expect: hands flapping about, demeaning their friends with some eye-opening commentary about how much they are failing in life and that smug, knowing grin that they are right.
At the right, we see both of these famous gays muted by the pill. We can see they are suddenly calm, collected and sharp. They look like they could have stepped out of a GQ magazine and were ready to have a good conversation on how to stop world hunger. Look at the difference.
Gays are usually at their nastiest on Mondays, Friday after free margaritas and sporadically on the weekends. This pill will make them tolerable and I can only hope it becomes the new fad for pill and chill cocktails.
The only listed side-effects for Positrall seems to be flatulence and irritable bowel, which I am sure gays are used to anyway so there is no real negative to taking this pill and suggesting it to your gay friends.