Articles by: Christopher ChristensonChristopher Christenson
Republican, American, Christian, Man, Carnivore, White, Hero, Genius, Brave. All words that adequately describe Christopher Christenson. At the ripe young age of 28, Christopher has been writing for Christwire for quite a while, when he isn't warding off the North Koreans from attacking or mentoring youth at his church. Because of his young age, he is able to connect with the young people whilst still charming our beloved elderly. Christopher is fascinated by the grotesque trends among youth and will stop at nothing to investigate. You can contact him on his website.

Metrosexuality: Satan’s Second Most Fabulous Demon

April 17, 2012 2:40 am32 comments
Metrosexuality: Satan’s Second Most Fabulous Demon

Back when I was a young boy, my father would reminisce to me about the 50’s. One quote in particular stuck out in my mind from that time on. “I remember when men were men, women were housewives and gays didn’t exist.” This mentality has been a guiding light in [...]

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Is Adventure Time A Gateway Drug To LSD, Homosexuality and the Rave Lifestyle?

April 5, 2012 3:01 am137 comments
Is Adventure Time A Gateway Drug To LSD, Homosexuality and the Rave Lifestyle?

A new audience for animation has arisen. As we can see in cases like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Phineas and Ferb, Japanese anime and mangay, South Park and Family Guy, children’s shows are being viewed primarily by a frightening new audience. Typically, lazy oafs in their twenties make [...]

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Why Fan Fiction is Possibly The Most Lethal Threat To Your Heterosexuality

April 4, 2012 1:59 am115 comments
Why Fan Fiction is Possibly The Most Lethal Threat To Your Heterosexuality

While we moral Christians are off at Church, at work, at school or on Christwire, there is a dirty subculture lurking on the internet. We all know of the threats of Tumblr, Reddit, Facebook and Myspace on our youth, but there is something even more sinister than the threats of [...]

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The Hunger Games: A Barbaric Socialist Saga of Impending Obama-Sanctioned Doom

March 21, 2012 12:02 pm202 comments
The Hunger Games: A Barbaric Socialist Saga of Impending Obama-Sanctioned Doom

Every so often, a radical pseudo-intellectual decides to write about some problem they have with America, making great use of tactics such as hyperbole, perjury and hypnotism. George Orwell’s 1984, radical commie propaganda, designed to denigrate Watergate. Marx, radical commie propaganda, designed to denigrate capitalism. Harry Potter, radical commie propaganda, [...]

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Have Trains Gone Too Far? Why Locomotives and Subways Pose A Risk To America

March 19, 2012 11:54 am20 comments
Have Trains Gone Too Far? Why Locomotives and Subways Pose A Risk To America

In the early 1900s, a great American, Henry Ford, invented the car. Before this, people would merely walk or use horse-drawn carriages. Of course, this was extremely problematic. Walking was hard for our good, Godly friends of an older age and horses love to defecate, making it even more stressful [...]

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What is One Direction, And Why Does It Make God Mad?

March 13, 2012 4:21 am41 comments
What is One Direction, And Why Does It Make God Mad?

In the past while, we’ve seen young American ladies begin to embrace a new harlotry, a dangerous side to themselves. Everyone from Mikey Cyrus to that birth control abuser in the news, Sandra Fluke, has gained an unhealthy level of sexual rage. They may find themselves flailing in the sight [...]

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Is My Favorite Politician a Latent Homosexual Or Is He Just Really Charming?

March 12, 2012 3:46 pm9 comments
Is My Favorite Politician a Latent Homosexual Or Is He Just Really Charming?

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus lately because of my Santorum campaigning and the obnoxiously cold February weather. The homosexual love of Valentine’s Day as well posed a threat to my health and well-being, so I haven’t been as up to date as some of my fellow writers [...]

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Is My Child Engaging In Oral Sodomy?

February 15, 2012 2:06 pm82 comments
Is My Child Engaging In Oral Sodomy?

In a world full of angry liberals, flashy homosexuals and jolly fat men obsessed with technicolor ponies, it’s no surprise that many of our more misguided youth are engaging in unGodly intimate procedures. However, it hasn’t been this bleak in American schools since the 80s. The sinning is getting even stranger and much more macabre.

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Is Tumblr Stealing The Souls of Your Children?

February 6, 2012 12:26 pm59 comments
Is Tumblr Stealing The Souls of Your Children?

Tumblr is a dangerous website on the interweb that your child may be lurking on. As the most popular blogging platform on earth, it has lured many young teens into its clutches. Unfortunately, it harbors an extremely homoerotic leaning and contains dangerous media that children of any age should be exposed to. It is extremely malicious and will steal your child’s feelings, replacing them with sexualized isolation. Your child may become robotic and obsessed with gay porn. Tumblr is a predator, a predator gaining in liberal popularity.

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Starbucks: Are You Drinking The Gay?

February 4, 2012 7:29 pm27 comments
Starbucks: Are You Drinking The Gay?

A good Christian must be cautious with their choices of beverages. It’s a dangerous world out there. You don’t want to drink something homosexual, or something hipstersexual, or something liberal and atheist. But only one line of beverages is all three. Starbucks covers the entire unholy trinity, and it is dangerous to America and to the future of your children.

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Scandinavia: Home of Emosexuality, Atheism, and Pretentiousness

February 1, 2012 7:56 pm74 comments
Scandinavia: Home of Emosexuality, Atheism, and Pretentiousness

Scandinavia is a continent full of deceptively beautiful people and deceptively beautiful landscapes. Everyone is tall, blonde, pale and thin. The images we see look like they’re from some fairytale adventure land. But there’s more than meets the eye. Canada’s neighbor to the east, Scandinavia seems to have adopted many of Canada’s sins, but ramped it up to eleven.

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Liberal Hypocrisies Within Science, Big Bang Theory Disproves Global Warming

January 26, 2012 5:51 pm28 comments
Liberal Hypocrisies Within Science, Big Bang Theory Disproves Global Warming

Any Good Christian knows that God created the world. God created the world perfectly, with Moral Americans giving him emotional support; with Canadians, Europeans, Australians, Asians and Blacks to laugh at; with hipstersexuals and emosexuals to present him with a fun challenge, basically they’re the villains in his video game; and a labyrinth known as the countries and continents completing it for his own personal enjoyment. However, the incessant liberals dispute this, arguing that we can’t prove the existence of God and that it simply happened as a result of the Big Bang. Ignoring the fact that the theory is a double entendre that seems to want us to believe that a bunch of particles are engaging in an orgy, that’s illogical, to steal a quote from my fictional nemesis Spock. Something cannot come from nothing.

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Hipstersexuals: The Obnoxious Ninjas of Terrorism

January 25, 2012 6:00 pm12 comments
Hipstersexuals: The Obnoxious Ninjas of Terrorism

When you picture terrorists, you picture islamists with stolen uzis and hand grenades running into a government building of this Christian Nation. But there’s a more subtle type of terrorism going on in America. Yes, terrorism of the mind. That, we can mainly credit to the hipstersexual movement and traitors like Obamney who tolerate or motivate them.

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5 Subtle Signs That Someone Has Un-Christian Tendencies

January 11, 2012 5:33 pm109 comments
5 Subtle Signs That Someone Has Un-Christian Tendencies

It can be hard to determine whether somebody is trustworthy upon first meeting them. It can be especially hard if the person seems decidedly un-Christian. I, for one, have been deceased many times by heathens in disguise. But fortunately for us, there are five subtle signs that somebody is not [...]

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How The Muppets Stole Heterosexuality and Morality From America

January 9, 2012 2:44 am16 comments
How The Muppets Stole Heterosexuality and Morality From America

There are many pop culture phenomena that have contributed to the downfall of Heterosexual Morality in America, but one of the first signs of a decaying youth began with one show depicting a thinly-veiled portrayal of the black market party scene in the homosexual crowd. This show was The Muppets, [...]

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