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    Obamacare Starts 2014, New Insurance Shopping Options October 2013

    by Derek Van Buren - View all comments

    Obamacare starts in the year 2014. On January 1st, 2014, every American is not only entitled to healthcare insurance options, but will be required to carry some sort of health insurance. The changes in state-wide medical plans does not truly show the drastic changes the nation will face, nationwide. If you are a person who will benefit from Obamcare, the January 1st, 2014 day will be grand. Every person surely deserves some sort of health access and not to suffer, […]

    Hands-Free Whopper Holder, Humanity Reaches new Low

    by Cadence Appleton - View all comments

    Burger King in Puerto Rico announced a Hands Free Whopper Holder. The nominal device is in ‘media darling’ phase and will soon be tested in locations all around the world. When you see the device and think of the increasing belly girth of all Americans, this is almost a sad point of humanity’s history: this is where it all really started going wrong. It truly is bad enough that we are too lazy to at least eat fresh ground beef […]

    Toilet Water Coffee: Starbucks in Hong Kong

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    Starbucks aficionados in Hong Kong are not the happiest to learn of the ‘toilet water’ option on their X3 double whipped mochas. Being served on the high-end, pricy city-state of Hong Kong, toilet water coffee could soon come to a Starbucks kettle near you. According to a recent article by local newspaper Apple Daily, a Starbucks at the heart and center of Hong Kong used toilet water to brew its coffee. While interviews of patrons who frequent this location are […]

    Man Arrested After “Fraggeling” His Pet Peacock From Behind

    by Amber Vos Savant - View all comments

    WHEATON, Ill. (STMW) — A Roselle, Illinois man has been accused of doing the fraggle rock to his pet peacock. Authorities in the city responded to concerns involving other crimes neighbors levied upon the man. During an investigation, the man openly confessed he has fraggled his pet peacock and even worse, the body of evidence was sprawled out in his garage. According to CBS, the peacock’s name was Phyl. The man was released on bail and purportedly has psychiatric evaluation […]

    Andy Biersack Donates 100s Gallons of Blood

    by Abe - View all comments

    Andy Biersack has once again proved his dark powers and mystically donated over 100 gallons of blood to the Red Cross. The shocking news story is burgeoning all around the web and has many of us good people terrified: how is Andy Biersack able to create so much blood? Andy Biersack must be the direct descendant of Vlad Tepes, the Count Dracular of ancient lore. I warned everyone of this fact long ago. When reading old tales of Dracula’s power […]

    Is Larry King A Secret Communist?

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    We have to sadly keep the watchful eye of Joseph McCarthy on media legend Larry King. Recent evidence from our team of crack cultural protectors suggest that Larry King is working for a tv channel that was funded by none other than the Kremlin. While it is no shock to learn that Democrats are communist by their very philosophy, it is an entirely new low to think that an American would dare work for a government that tried to sneak […]

    Beaver Kills Fisherman In Belarus, In One Bite

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    Belarus – The trials of nature take us to Belarus, where a wild beaver brutally savaged a fisherman and killed him in one bite. This tragic story began when a fisherman tried to take a scenic photograph of a beaver in his proxy. The fisherman grabbed his camera, trying to secret his approach with softened, gentle footsteps. His friends describe what happened next a: “blinding flash of brutal, shocking savagery”. With sudden, blinding speed, the seemingly docile beaver sprang to […]

    A Look At Chinese McDonalds

    by ChristianCrusader - View all comments

    Chinese McDonalds is also known as Fry Paradise. It is possible to go to China and literally order tables full of McDonald’s French Fries for you and your friends. It is actually good that we do not have this option in America, because it would turn the nation into even more of a pig’s trough.

    Fresh Prince Reunion Of Will Smith, DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Carlton

    by Charles Atchison - View all comments

    Will Smith and his permafrown child Jayden Smith made an appearance on the Graham Norton show, the British equivalent of vanilla Oprah sprinkled with Ed Sullivan, shown late night, from what we can surmise. Whatever the case may be, Will Smith loves the show so much that he brought a special treat for the audience. The interview starts out slow, with Jayden Smith trying his skills at his father’s nice guy rapping. This is the same sort of rapping that […]

    Pervert Jimmy Kimmel Buys Nude Bea Arthur Picture for $1.9 Million

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    If any of you mangy fingered internet users are looking around for a nudge Bea Arthur picture, you will not find it here. So just forget about it! We can tell you where you will find it though: hanging in a wall, right next to Jimmy Kimmel’s bed in his posh New York apartment. The late night funny man who talks like an excited gymnast who just won gold and is breathlessly trying to tell her life story to the […]

    Shocking Proof: George Takei Is Not Gay, Schemed Homosexuality To Get Facebook Likes

    by Mike Watson - View all comments

    George Takei readies his photon torpedoes to implant this buxom bared chest coed, revealing once and for all that his claims of homosexuality are a scamming shame. The gay community is in a complete shock and uproar after learning their vanguard Ensign of intestinal wonders, George Takei, is not actually gay. Takei schemed to become the archduke of homosexuality in very precisely calculated bid to become the sympathetic hero of Facebook. By pretending to be gay and thereby gaining expected […]

    Eurovision 2013: Gay vampire dubstep, lesbian subterfuge and the sounds of neo-Nazi Greece

    by Arthur Durry - View all comments

    NOW that the Eurosexual tinsel has settled after this year’s Eurovision song contest, it’s time to reflect on what we actually saw. And what we saw wasn’t pretty! It’s no secret that Eurovision is the most effete and decadent song competition held anywhere in the world. This is no surprise because Europe is a tragically benighted continent. In the east it’s all godless communists, weirdo Orthodox and swarthy Muslims. In the south it’s morally and fiscally bankrupt kiddie fiddlers who […]

    Florida Restaurant To Serve Lion Meat Tacos; Bruce Danus Investigates Tribal Murder Of Endangered Species

    by Bruce Myron Danus - View all comments

    Recently, in Tampa, FL, a restaurant has come under fire for serving Lion meat in its tacos. Lions are quickly becoming an “endangered” species, so animal rights hippies have gotten their panties in a bunch over this new menu item. Since I am Christwire’s authority on other countries and cultures, they have sent me to investigate this very touchy subject in an objective and completely fact-based way. So, here I am, in America’s sweaty crotch of Florida. All I can […]

    Baby Puppy Recovering After Attack By Pack of Wild Kittens

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    Mr. Lick ‘ems SALINA, KANSAS – It has been a long, tough road for Mr. Lick ‘ems, but he is finally on the road to recovery and on the mend. Several weeks ago, Mr. Lick ‘ems was let outside to relieve himself in the comfort of his backyard. His owners, Dennis and Emma Germound, knew that they had a family of kittens living under their porch. Nearly a month before, Dennis noticed a cat had moved in under his back […]

    Black Man Charles Ramsey Finds Amanda Berry Alive, Missing For 10 Years

    by Cadence Appleton - View all comments

    Charles Ramsey broke down door to rescue Amanda Berry. Neighborhood resident Charles Ramsey rescued Amanda Berry, who was reported missing ten years ago. Today media headlines are abuzz with the story and a very interesting hero. It all started with a sack of McDonalds. Charles Ramsey was at his home, prepared to enjoy a quick meal when he heard screams coming from across the street. Curious, he went outside to investigate and the screaming did not stop. Instead of turning […]