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    Shocking Proof: George Takei Is Not Gay, Schemed Homosexuality To Get Facebook Likes

    by Mike Watson - View all comments

    George Takei readies his photon torpedoes to implant this buxom bared chest coed, revealing once and for all that his claims of homosexuality are a scamming shame. The gay community is in a complete shock and uproar after learning their vanguard Ensign of intestinal wonders, George Takei, is not actually gay. Takei schemed to become the archduke of homosexuality in very precisely calculated bid to become the sympathetic hero of Facebook. By pretending to be gay and thereby gaining expected […]

    Eurovision 2013: Gay vampire dubstep, lesbian subterfuge and the sounds of neo-Nazi Greece

    by Arthur Durry - View all comments

    NOW that the Eurosexual tinsel has settled after this year’s Eurovision song contest, it’s time to reflect on what we actually saw. And what we saw wasn’t pretty! It’s no secret that Eurovision is the most effete and decadent song competition held anywhere in the world. This is no surprise because Europe is a tragically benighted continent. In the east it’s all godless communists, weirdo Orthodox and swarthy Muslims. In the south it’s morally and fiscally bankrupt kiddie fiddlers who […]

    Florida Restaurant To Serve Lion Meat Tacos; Bruce Danus Investigates Tribal Murder Of Endangered Species

    by Bruce Myron Danus - View all comments

    Recently, in Tampa, FL, a restaurant has come under fire for serving Lion meat in its tacos. Lions are quickly becoming an “endangered” species, so animal rights hippies have gotten their panties in a bunch over this new menu item. Since I am Christwire’s authority on other countries and cultures, they have sent me to investigate this very touchy subject in an objective and completely fact-based way. So, here I am, in America’s sweaty crotch of Florida. All I can […]

    Baby Puppy Recovering After Attack By Pack of Wild Kittens

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    Mr. Lick ’ems SALINA, KANSAS – It has been a long, tough road for Mr. Lick ’ems, but he is finally on the road to recovery and on the mend. Several weeks ago, Mr. Lick ’ems was let outside to relieve himself in the comfort of his backyard. His owners, Dennis and Emma Germound, knew that they had a family of kittens living under their porch. Nearly a month before, Dennis noticed a cat had moved in under his back […]

    Black Man Charles Ramsey Finds Amanda Berry Alive, Missing For 10 Years

    by Cadence Appleton - View all comments

    Charles Ramsey broke down door to rescue Amanda Berry. Neighborhood resident Charles Ramsey rescued Amanda Berry, who was reported missing ten years ago. Today media headlines are abuzz with the story and a very interesting hero. It all started with a sack of McDonalds. Charles Ramsey was at his home, prepared to enjoy a quick meal when he heard screams coming from across the street. Curious, he went outside to investigate and the screaming did not stop. Instead of turning […]

    Miley Tops Maxim Hot 100 By The Power of Photoshop, Questional Images

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    Miley tops Maxim in a brilliant show of racy photoshoots, marketing and nice photoshopped images to her Instagram. If I had not Googled this image and verified it with my colleagues from several other sources, there is no way I could have believed this was Miley Cyrus. Graciebow’s creeper moment notwithstanding, Miley Cyrus is being named the hottest woman of 2013 by Maxim. As a woman who can appreciate the total package of another woman, I really do not get […]

    Pit Bull Saves Woman, Proves All Dogs Man’s Best Friend

    by Cadence Appleton - View all comments

    A pit bulls saves a woman from a burning home and is now being hailed as a hero. As a breed, pit bulls get a tough treatment in the court of public opinion. Stories about the breed’s aggressive nature are abundant, so it is good to see a story detailing their help in saving human life. The pit bulls saved the woman from a fire in her Long Island, New York, home. As flames began to spread throughout the home, […]

    Celebrities Visit SiriusXM Studios

    Is Daryl from The Walking Dead a secret emosexual?

    by Arthur Durry - View all comments

    FEW shows on television are more disgusting than Game of Thrones,  16 & Pregnant and Smash. But there are still a few. One of these is The Walking Dead, a high-concept post-apocalyptic drama series based on a series of crudely drawn comic books that everybody now claims that they were reading long before the smut peddlers at AMC hired a bunch of licentious English actors to turn them into cheap, splattering, fornication-heavy televisual trash with which to capture undiscriminating eyeballs […]

    My Chemical Romance carries what is left of their career

    My Chemical Romance Breaks Up, Emosexuals Around The World Commit Mass Suicide

    by Bruce Myron Danus - View all comments

    As soon as news broke about the break-up of My Chemical Romance, millions of children ages 11-16 went on Twitter and Facebook to log their disappointment and pen their social media suicide notes.  MCR, as they are known by “Scene Kids” and “Emo kids” around the world, told everyone today that they were calling it quits.  This band has written anthems for the degenerate youth of today like “Welcome to the black parade”, that encourage dressing in black, wearing black […]


    Will Russia get Alaska back because of gay marriage?

    by Arthur Durry - View all comments

    FOR many years worried Christians have been warning that gay marriage would lead to all sorts of terrible consequences — legalised paedophilia, Mormon polygamy and furrysexual furverts marrying their long-suffering huskies (and continuing to do unnatural things to their sheaths and tail holes). But not even in their sweatiest fever dreams could American Christians have imagined that the cost of Barack Obama’s support of homosexualist matrimony would be losing the great state of Alaska. But now Russian Christians have taken […]

    Faint hope: A Pokemon possibly dying of bird flu yesterday

    Pokemon has a bird-flu cock snot problem

    by Arthur Durry - View all comments

    IT’S no secret that Pokemon is the most vile, sadistic and insidious animal-fighting game ever inflicted on an entire generation of impressionable children. Even now, it could be breeding a whole new legion of Michael Vickses who think that it’s perfectly fine to force dogs to fight to the death just because they grew up watching that sort of sicko action on low-quality Japanese cartoons. But could Pokemon bear an even greater guilt? Could it already have a human death […]

    Award-Winning ChristWire Writer Marcos Figueroa Passes Away in Plainfield Car Accident

    by Mike Watson - View all comments

    It  is with grieved hearts that we announce the loss of a wonderful writer, great friend, loving father, unique comedian and irreplaceable soul, Marcos Figueroa.  Marcos ‘Marky Figs’ Figueroa passed away early this morning after a traffic accident on I-55 in Plainfield, Illinois.   According to CBS Chigaco, the accident took place after the car he was driving became disabled and was struck at highway speeds by a semitruck.  He was lifeflighted to an area hospital, where he passed away.  Marcos was 26. Marcos Figueroa gained critical […]

    Not a care in the world: "Lycra lout" cyclists aren't doing enough to help the global energy crisis.

    Is it time to ban bicycles from our streets?

    by Arthur Durry - View all comments

    IT’S no secret that cyclists are the most annoying, irresponsible, anti-social, smug, self-righteous hipster scofflaws on our roads. Whether you’re a pedestrian or you drive a 22-wheel road train delivering new Hummers to the local dealership, you know very well the sinister scourge of the cyclist. These self-styled “lycra louts” are constantly running red lights, knocking over law- abiding women and children while illegally riding on the footpath, failing to come to a  complete stop at stop signs, taking up whole lanes […]

    Who is the real victim here?

    Gays Refused Flowers and Cake… By Jesus

    by Bruce Myron Danus - View all comments

    Recently, I wrote about a bakery in Portland, Oregon that was being unfairly protested, and now it seems that a Florist in Richland, Washington is suffering the same fate. The woman, Baronelle Stutzman, told her longtime homosexualist customer, of over 20 years, that she could not supply flowers for his illegal gay “marriage” ceremony because Jesus told her it was improper and against his will. This backside diddling gay became irate and smashed every flower in the store due to […]

    With Hugo Chavez Dead, Should America Take Venezuela Oil by Force?

    by Mike Watson - View all comments

    America’s secret ally in the oil war has finally succumbed to ‘illness’, most likely caused by esponiage from the Soviets.  Hugo Chavez died yesterday from a rare form of cancer that the KGB is known to inflict upon its politial enemies.  It is no coincidence that the South American strongman died during the reign of Barack Obama, a conspirator in a socialist global agenda to weaken America. As a young man, it was not uncommon to see photos of young […]