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    Tim Tebow stiffens himself for new thrust; no longer soft on gays

    by Arthur Durry - View all comments

            AMERICA’S most Christian, most heterosexual footballer, Tim “Teabag” Tebow, has stiffened himself for a new thrust in his war on homosexuality. Tebow had recently been accused of going soft on gays after he made a limp withdrawal from speaking at the megachurch of pastor Robert Jeffress, a man renowned for his frothy denunciations of men who play the pink oboe, the rusty trombone and veritable orchestra pit of other wood instruments. But Tebow was only pulling out of Jeffress’s […]

    Will Obama crown himself God in Israel?

    by Arthur Durry - View all comments

    IT’S no secret that Barack Obama has an ego the size of Kenya. After all, it takes a real megalomaniac to wake up one day and say to himself: “Self, I think I deserve to be the most powerful man in the world!” But could Obama be about to go one step further and crown himself as God — the very creator of Heaven and Earth — in the Holy Land of Israel? Christian broadcaster Rick Wiles thinks so. “Obama may simply be […]

    Proof That Beyonce and Sasha Fierce Are Satan’s Illuminati Hand Maidens

    by Abe - View all comments

    After we watched the Super Bowl halftime show, we all could only come to one conclusion.  Beyonce is a hand-maiden of Satan.  For the longest time, our colleague Craige Lewis warned that her husband, Jay-Z, was trying to be the Anti-Christ. There is a song called “HOVA”. It starts out H to the Izzo, V to the Izzy. H is what it is.  Izzo is slang for “O” in ebonic speak.  V is what it is.  Izzay is “A” in […]

    A bit fishy: An Australian tries to rescue a lungfish that had been struck by the Almighty yesterday.

    God smites evolutionist lungfish in new Queensland flood

    by Arthur Durry - View all comments

    IT’S no secret that God hates evolution, so it’s no surprise that He chose to smite an evolutionist lungfish as He smote Queensland with yet another holy flood this week. As Sister Susan has so insightfully reported, God has been smiting the Australian redneck state of Queensland with fires, floods, cyclones and sea foam all year. This plague of plagues  has followed on from the floods of 2011, during which God killed some 40 Queenslanders in his holy rage. Until now, the […]

    God Strikes Hugo Chavez Dead At 58 Photos, Hugo Chavez Esta Muerto!

    by Reverend Clyde H. Higgins - View all comments

    Hola mi amigos! Buenvenidos and Ding Dong, for the Dictator Hugo Chavez is dead!  God struck Hugo Chavez dead today with his awesome power!  Let this be a message to all dictators!  If God’s President Bush called you out into the Axis of Evil, your days are numbered! For years Hugo Chavez broke the greatest commands of the Bible, refusing to bow before America’s glory and freely share all the oil in his country with the nation drafted to protect […]

    Gay Teen Worried He May Be Christian

    by Reverend Clyde H. Higgins - View all comments

    Vidalia, Calif –  Lucas Faber, aged 18, was like any other young man making the transition from high school to college.  Robust and primed, virile and passionate, excited to spread his wings and fly from home, the fresh buck yearned to make his stake in life as he lived the American dream.  But like most young men, Faber also had some uncertainty in things.  His uncertainty wasn’t on picking a college major, the big break-up with a highschool girlfriend leaving […]

    Should Cats Be Arrested/Jailed For Huffing Catnip?

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    As any cat owner can tell you, felines have an almost human quality and understanding of life.   It is not uncommon to find cats opening a cabinet to obtain their food, or after observing a human using the ‘potty’ for enough days, to take the task on for themselves. Cats are smart, to the point that they can understand law and order.  Cats can maintain and abide by rules of the home.  It is simple to teach a cat that […]

    Iran Responds to Argo By Selling $1 Bootleg Copy in Streets, Force Ben Affleck To Shave His Beard

    by Pat Heinkel - View all comments

    Iran wants war with America. Today they have further proved this fact by attacking our new golden boy Hollywood director, Ben Affleck. Affleck won movie of the year for his direction of Argo, a story about how American freedom is for all the lesser countries. Argo takes a painful look at the fate of six American hostages of Iran, besieged at the US embassy in 1979. The movie is so accurate and proves why America’s war in Iran and taking […]

    Is God the Original Prankster?

    by Arthur Durry - View all comments

    THE year is circa 560 to 540BC. The book is 2 Kings. The weather is apocryphal. Elisha, the hard-working prophet of the Christian god, is shuffling up the long and dusty road to the ancient near-eastern town of Bethel. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, comes a gaggle of hard, rough, flinty-eyed Jewish children. Small they are, swarthy of countenance, aquiline of nose and cruel of intent. Upon espying the hairless pate of the tireless man of God they snicker, nudge […]

    Delusional Atheist Matthew Hutson Believes $1.00 Plus $0.05 Equals $1.10, Disproves God?

    by Mike Watson - View all comments

    Atheists have gathered in their little coven on HuffingtonPost, a dangerously liberal site ripped away from our late Christian friend Breitbart.  Today’s liberal agenda on the site not only proves why atheism is such a dangerously flawed way of thinking, but also why America’s schoolchildren are falling behind morally Christian nations in test scores. The backstory kicks in with the words of an archatheist author Matthew Hutson showing his abilities to wield Satan’s dark power to brainwash the masses.  With just a […]

    Michelle Obama’s Slutty Oscar Dress Force Iran to Hide Her Bared Shoulders

    by Abe - View all comments

    Michelle Obama continues to embarass America by not acting like a lady.  We all saw her sultry prom photo where she let Neil DeGrasse Tyson get himself a heavy eyescoop of her Nestle Milk Chocolates and probably let him have some YooHoo! time with her later if you get my drift. Then we saw her teaching her daughter to be hip floozies by playing Hula Hoops and then even saw her when she dared touch Queen Elizabeth with her bared […]

    Democrats Now Create Food Stamps For Pets SNAP Card

    by Mike Watson - View all comments

    The screenshot is included up above, because many of you radical democrats will try to deny what your socialist president has created.  There is now a Food Stamps for Pet program that allows irresponsible people to adopt pets, then force American taxpayers to pay for them. The number of people who are living large on Food Stamps in America remains at an all time high.  Have you even been at the check-out line, to only see Shanaynay or Standiki chomping […]

    Arrogant British Credit Downgraded

    by Tiernan Kincaid - View all comments

    The British are crying their tears today, as America was forced to downgrade their credit rankings.  For far too long the British have been living off our coattails, begging for alms ever since we saved them from being conquered during World War II.  For all of America’s sacrifice, the British have given us relatively nothing but grief and arrogance. Hopefully the British will learn their lesson and start being more respectful:  they need to recognize our economy as superior, stop […]

    World Shocked By Ugly 2014 Jeep, Reddit CSS HTML Coders To Blame

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    From the people who brought you the Pontiac Aztec and the most liberal site on the internet, a new design for the Jeep The html designers behind the socialist website Reddit.com somehow won a bid to design the new 2014 Jeep.  Consumer response to the 2014 Jeep has been nothing but turned-up nose disgust and confusion, with myself wondering why the Jeep looks like an angry Bruce Lee in mecha armor moreso than a luxury SUV with power. Perhaps it is […]

    Putin rides the meteor to earth, just to blame it on the U.S.

    What Really Caused The Meteorite Crash In Russia?

    by Bruce Myron Danus - View all comments

    There are many different conspiracy theories about this recent meteor attack on Russia, but Christwire has discovered the truth. First, let me debunk all the “theories”, and then I will tell you what actually happened. Many of you are already thinking that I will say it had something to do with the gays or blacks, but you’re wrong already, and that makes you bigots. Let’s start with the theory from Vladimir Zhirinovsky, head of the nationalist Liberal Democrat Party. He […]