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    Tim Tebow Betrayed By New York Jets, Cut From Team

    by Mike Collins - View all comments

    New York Jets Fans Mourn Loss of Tebow New York, NY (CWGlobal)- In perhaps one of the most shocking moves in sport’s history, the New York Jets have cut the greatest quaterback of all time, Tim Tebow. Tebow is not the greatest quarterback because he is the strongest or fastest; it is not even because he calls all the right plays, is nimble or is not prone to throwing interceptions. Tim Tebow has a factor off the field: he is […]

    Satan Tries To Tempt Young Woman To Be Floozy, She Resists

    by Abe - View all comments

    There is a new movement of young people named The Resistance. They meet every week to tease the devil and make him drool, then they do the right thing. One resister showed how Satan tried to turn her into a tanga maiden and become a protestantute. Look at her knit herself a new holy wardrobe! “so i only wear this bra in the house because it’s too small” “and it, erm, pushes stuff up in a way that makes me […]

    Ellen DeGeneres Turns Kate McKinnon Into Cute Lesbian

    by Abe - View all comments

    Whenever I see a cute, wealthy lesbian, I get depressed.   If I were just a few years younger and not a married man, I would like to court Ellen DeGeneres.  That nice smile of hers and she always is just so generous to the people in her crowd.  And she is funny.  She’d fall in love with me and we’d have all sorts of cute strawberry blonde children. But it is not to be, because Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t like men.  […]

    Tsaernaev Steel Door Prison Placement

    by Thad Connely - View all comments

    Boston terror bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has been placed behind a steel door.  The prison location is 40 miles away from where police and American media have condemned the Tsarnaev brothers for planting bombs at the Boston Marathon.  The older Tsarnaev purportedly died when his younger brother ran him over, all as they attempted to elude law enforcement. Tsarnaev was transferred to the federal medical detention center, where he is under constant supervision in a secured room.  Speculation is that Tsarnaev sustained […]

    Earth Permanently Deformed, Chilean Earthquakes To Blame

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    Calama, Chile (Christwire) – Abe Goodman reporting Earthquakes are amongst nature’s most destructive forces.  By the shifting of Earth’s tectonic plates so carefully placed 6,000 years ago, we see the earthquake force can move buildings, cause sinkholes and even change the face of continents. To put the power of a small earthquake in perspective:  the first atomic bomb was 10,000 times weaker than a mild earthquake. A new study by the American Geological Association shows that the most recent earthquake […]

    Google Glass, The Gay’s New Way To Voyageur You In Secret

    by Dan Nordgren - View all comments

    Secretly Warm Bedroom Eyes:  Gays now have a Google GlASS technology that can allow them to secretly ogle and  take video footage of you relieving in the porcelain and then uploading the video to Grindr and other scary sites, so they can all get their jollies. New York, New York – Three years ago, I was the victim of a gay eye attack.  I was at the mall’s food court with several friends, when suddenly I needed to relieve myself in […]

    Mick Jagger Turns 70, Refuses To Retire

    by Ashleigh Zettesberg - View all comments

    For most 70-year-old men, dancing about and creating a scene in Echo Park in the evening would be grounds for worry. Perhaps grandpa was being mugged, or maybe he choked on a turkey sandich on rye and EMS had to be called out. Then you have 70-year-old men like Mick Jagger who refuse to stop rocking out. Jagger and his Rolling Stones gave a concert in Echo Park last night, sounding no worse for wear considering their long storied career. […]

    The Founding Fathers As Pinup Girls

    by Derek Van Buren - View all comments

    As the Fourth of July approaches, some saucy artist has decided to imagine our founding fathers as pinup girls. I wish I could say I was joking, but Benjamin Franklin is protruding his back and arching his back, like an old-school Raquel Welch making you nervous in the knickerbockers. He can also apparently put his toes on point, just like a skilled ballerina.   Source: publius-esquire.tumblr.com Next, James Madison chooses to get flirty with the cute college girl in the […]

    Facebook Notification Sound Brainwashes You With Music

    by Cadence Appleton - View all comments

    Do you find yourself unable to go through a day without at least checking your Facebook once, just to see if you have a notification highlighted by a red field around white lettering? Your tendency to be controlled by Facebook and instinctively type its url into your browser window may be more than self-indulgence and need for social communication. The site has cleverly used music to improve its notification system, making your brain ‘perk up’ at the intonations the sound-based […]

    Obamacare Starts 2014, New Insurance Shopping Options October 2013

    by Derek Van Buren - View all comments

    Obamacare starts in the year 2014. On January 1st, 2014, every American is not only entitled to healthcare insurance options, but will be required to carry some sort of health insurance. The changes in state-wide medical plans does not truly show the drastic changes the nation will face, nationwide. If you are a person who will benefit from Obamcare, the January 1st, 2014 day will be grand. Every person surely deserves some sort of health access and not to suffer, […]

    Hands-Free Whopper Holder, Humanity Reaches new Low

    by Cadence Appleton - View all comments

    Burger King in Puerto Rico announced a Hands Free Whopper Holder. The nominal device is in ‘media darling’ phase and will soon be tested in locations all around the world. When you see the device and think of the increasing belly girth of all Americans, this is almost a sad point of humanity’s history: this is where it all really started going wrong. It truly is bad enough that we are too lazy to at least eat fresh ground beef […]

    Toilet Water Coffee: Starbucks in Hong Kong

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    Starbucks aficionados in Hong Kong are not the happiest to learn of the ‘toilet water’ option on their X3 double whipped mochas. Being served on the high-end, pricy city-state of Hong Kong, toilet water coffee could soon come to a Starbucks kettle near you. According to a recent article by local newspaper Apple Daily, a Starbucks at the heart and center of Hong Kong used toilet water to brew its coffee. While interviews of patrons who frequent this location are […]

    Man Arrested After “Fraggeling” His Pet Peacock From Behind

    by Amber Vos Savant - View all comments

    WHEATON, Ill. (STMW) — A Roselle, Illinois man has been accused of doing the fraggle rock to his pet peacock. Authorities in the city responded to concerns involving other crimes neighbors levied upon the man. During an investigation, the man openly confessed he has fraggled his pet peacock and even worse, the body of evidence was sprawled out in his garage. According to CBS, the peacock’s name was Phyl. The man was released on bail and purportedly has psychiatric evaluation […]

    Andy Biersack Donates 100s Gallons of Blood

    by Abe - View all comments

    Andy Biersack has once again proved his dark powers and mystically donated over 100 gallons of blood to the Red Cross. The shocking news story is burgeoning all around the web and has many of us good people terrified: how is Andy Biersack able to create so much blood? Andy Biersack must be the direct descendant of Vlad Tepes, the Count Dracular of ancient lore. I warned everyone of this fact long ago. When reading old tales of Dracula’s power […]

    Is Larry King A Secret Communist?

    by Adam Nelson - View all comments

    We have to sadly keep the watchful eye of Joseph McCarthy on media legend Larry King. Recent evidence from our team of crack cultural protectors suggest that Larry King is working for a tv channel that was funded by none other than the Kremlin. While it is no shock to learn that Democrats are communist by their very philosophy, it is an entirely new low to think that an American would dare work for a government that tried to sneak […]