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    Young Bill Clinton Looks Like Quagmire From Family Guy

    by Monroe Mason - View all comments

    Here is a wedding photograph of young Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham-Clinton.  Hillary’s smirk says pretty much all we need to know about her attitude, but even back then we can discern that slick Bill has the libido of Quagmire from Family Guy.  Men with beef chins and hairlines that tend to not recede truly do seem to have a gene that requires them to stick and prod every thing that moves, no matter if they are married or not. […]

    Fourth of July Accident

    by Thad Connely - View all comments

    As America recovers from another Fourth of July celebration, the Fourth of July accident report this year is well-varied and of course not inclusive. Some of the more prominent stories circulating in media headlines: HOLIDAY HORROR:  28 injured at CA fireworks show… Platform tipped over, shells fired into crowd… VIDEO… Child shot in head while walking with father… Woman’s Foot Severed While Watching Illegal Fireworks… Man driving float runs over son at OK parade… Boy dies after falling off float… […]

    Yelp Invents How To Avoid Hipsters and Yuppies In Your City via Wordmap

    by Derek Van Buren - View all comments

    Yelp has invented a new technology called “Wordmap” that allows you to track down or avoid anything you want in a city.  By simply clicking on a phrase, a heatmap glows red showing the hotspots for where those particular individuals are hanging out.  The tech will purportedly grow to include all cities. While this technology is assuredly a nightmare in the hands of people like Paula Deen, others have already put it to its most important use:  finding the hotspots and […]

    Kathy Griffin Throws on Bikini, Forces Random College Men To Kiss Her

    by Derek Van Buren - View all comments

    “My suggestion for 4th of July… Pick out a hot guy & just start making out w him USA! USA! USA!” – Kathy Griffin Kathy Griffin was out on Zuma Beach today, making out with random men and trying to make them do sinful things to her post menopausal body.  Kathy Griffin is using the old cougar bait, telling men they can have their jollies with her and not worry about having babies.  There is no confirmed report yet of […]

    Pepsi Carcinogen Scares Soda Drinkers Nationwide

    by Monroe Mason - View all comments

    New York, New York - A new study indicates the caramel coloring used in Pepsi contains a high level of carcinogen.  Carcinogens lead to cancer.  Pepsi has stated that the formula for the drink will change. The investigation into Pepsi and Coca-Cola Co. started last year after a California law was passed that mandated soft drinks with a certain level of carcinogen be labeled with a cancer warning label.  The specific chemical in question is 4-methylimidazole.  4-Mel, as it is caused, […]

    Dennis Rodman Wants Noble Peace Prize

    by Thad Connely - View all comments

    Somewhere in America – Dennis Rodman believes he should be a candidate for the Noble Peace Prize. After his work in North Korea with Kim Jong Un, Rodman states that his role for humanity is simple: breaking the ice between hostile countries. Rodman wants to be enlisted more in matters of international diplomacy. Specifically, Rodman says this on the subject: “My mission is to break the ice between hostile countries. Why it’s been left to me to smooth things over, […]

    Military Coup in Cairo, Muslim Bros Channel Shut Down

    by Thad Connely - View all comments

    Several billion dollars of US aide later, the people of Egypt have once again thrown over a government they did not like.  Today the Islamic regime of President Morsi was overthrown in a military coup.  Claims that Morsi’s ties with the Muslim Brotherhood and Islamic-centric laws were given as causal factors to his ouster. While Egypt remains a predominantly Muslim nation, the people there seem to want a government that’s more inclusive of various culture and tradition.  The region is […]

    Is Barack Obama A Peeping Tom?

    by Rachel Aschner-Barsky - View all comments

    Back in 2008, I excitedly stood with my friends as we waited for election results:  McCain vs. Obama was the reality and I had just finished an extensive grassroots campaigning session with my roomies.  We were excited to be at Obama’s potential inauguration party and when the results were in, we celebrated like none other. Fast-foward to 2013 and I can truly say that I feel like I just caught Obama peeping through my window, lapping his tongue and getting […]

    Angry Americans Protest Eric Snowden, Scumbag Obama Via Reddit, Cafe iPhones

    by Mike Watson - View all comments

    America has joined with the likes of Brazil and Egypt to express anger over eHero Eric Snowden, who leaked documents revealing that Obama and the NSA have spied on American’s phone calls. While many in the government are throwing around the words traitor and Judas when referring to Snowden, the world at large and many everyday Americans are hailing him a hero. Today the story of Eric Snowden affected Bolivia, as a plane carrying the country’s president was forbidden to […]

    What Happens When A Dad Finds A Peeping Tom Peeping His Daughter?

    by Mike Watson - View all comments

    Florida father beats man for peeping his fifteen-year-old daughter. Jacksonville, Florida – A Jacksonville father finally caught a peeping tom who had been getting eye-jollies off his fifteen-year-old daughter. The backstory here started when the Jacksonville family spotted someone peaking through their home window on several occasions.  One of the times, they found damage to their screen windows and were on guarded alert. Then on Sunday, the silhouetted figure got an identity:  James Lowery. According to police reports, Lowery allegedly […]

    19 Firefighters Killed in Tragic Arizona Wildfire

    by Sandra O'connor - View all comments

    Great tragedy in Arizona as 19 firefighters killed while heroically saving a town of 700.  The wildfires started after the dry American Southwest experienced a week of unprecedented high temperatures.    The elite crew of firefighters were specially trained to take on the most fierce wildfires and lost their lives as they tried to shield themselves from flames, under fire-resistant shields. The fire started when lightning struck down, igniting a blaze that quickly spread over 2,000 acres in the triple digit […]

    Florida Atheists Taunt Christians with Monument to The Flying Spaghetti Monster

    by Reverend Clyde H. Higgins - View all comments

    Florida atheists perform requisite updating of their Facebook ritual as they take pictures of each other in front of the new Flying Spaghetti Monster Memorial of America, where they will make pilgrimages to every year to celebrate and worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster. In the above images, the ‘noodled appendages’ of the Flying Spaghetti Monster form a protective, futuristic space cocoon around the letter A, denoting the atheist belief that a non-god protects all their rights, life and freedom.  This […]

    Biersacking, the Newest Trend That Will Get Your Daughter Pregnant

    by Mike Watson - View all comments

    Andy Sixx stands erect as frenzied by the throbbing sounds of Jinxx’s guitar crescendo and wafting marijuana throw the airs of Colorado, a pack of wild college co-eds clamor for their chance to have a public “Biersacking” on stage with the modern day Ron Jeremy in Corinthian leathers, Andy Biersack. As I investigated things to warn you about today, I was not shocked to find my old sparring buddy Andy Biersack is still inventing new ways to make female fans […]

    College Technology: Flaskpons

    by Derek Van Buren - View all comments

    You have to see it to believe it, so here you go: Now available at fine retailers near you, comes booze tubes full encased in the all-too-familiar tampon brand packaging.  While there may be some McDowell’s vs. McDonald’s style, courtesy of Coming to America styled corporate brand discrepancy shenanigans, I have to imagine that the amount of students sneaking off to use the loo in the coming schoolyear will greatly increase. It is worth saying, parents, sneak into your daughter’s […]

    Spicy Gay Marriage Couples Causing Heat Waves in Vegas, California

    by Reverend Clyde H. Higgins - View all comments

    Only two days after the Supreme Court overturned DOMA and greenlit gay marriage in every state that will legalize it, the temperatures in California and Nevada have sizzled. The burning passions and celebrations of gay couples have been so furious, that it is actually causing a global warming effect.  For years I fought against the thought of global warming, but now we see that there is a direct correlation between the number of frenzied gay marriage couples and the quick […]