Since I can no longer purchase bath salts without getting stared at by La’Sagna the black clerk at the local dollar store, I decided to take it upon myself to watch the always-liberal CNN network. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Moments into viewing this program, Jesus appeared to me in a vision and instructed me to “learn” and I was suddenly full of his heavenly warmth. The truth of bath salts was revealed to me, and you are lucky enough to read the information that was given to me by Jesus Christ moments after he pulled out, and released my body from his heavenly grip.

The question on everyone’s mind is what does the mysterious rash incidents have to do with a flesh eating virus and cannibals? The answer is “Bath Salts,” but this isn’t the type of bath salt you’d purchase in your local supermarket. The term Bath Salts is street slang for mephedrone and methylenedioxypyrovalerone, also known as MDPV.

The new raver party drug “Satan’s Bath Salts” has now reached New Jersey and has broken out in the house where The Jersey Shore is filmed. It would figure MTV would take advantage of this new zombie scourge to boost ratings and have Snookie deliver a zombie baby. Time Magazine [...]