Since I can no longer purchase bath salts without getting stared at by La’Sagna the black clerk at the local dollar store, I decided to take it upon myself to watch the always-liberal CNN network. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Moments into viewing this program, Jesus appeared to me in a vision and instructed me to “learn” and I was suddenly full of his heavenly warmth. The truth of bath salts was revealed to me, and you are lucky enough to read the information that was given to me by Jesus Christ moments after he pulled out, and released my body from his heavenly grip.