Woman Makes Bad Sandwich, Man Cuts Her

A girlfriend made a bad sandwich and her fiance cut her finger like a inebriated butcher to a shank.

Allegations fly and this story begins when woman made a sandwich for her fiance, Lyndel Toppin. Lyndel yearned for a sandwich with the cheese laid on it just right.

According to reports, his fiance failed. The cheese placement, it was all wrong.

“Specifically, the cheese placement was all wrong, which infuriated Toppin. That was the catalyst,” said police Superintendent Michael Chitwood.

The cheese was to go atop a meatball sandwich, which one can assume was of the hoagie variety like an eager high school girl will prepare for you on a Thursday night at Subway. $5 footlongs.

The ink on the affidavit reads ‘[he] became enraged due to the victim not placing cheese on the hoagie roll correctly’.

It would have been a better night had Lyndel and his fiance chosen the capitalist health facade of Subway instead of trying to make sandwiches on their own. Instead Lyndel’s fiance made a sandwich that angered him like a steel clawed bear who just had his privates stung by a diving armada of furious bees.

Like the bear, Lyndel released his anger by swiping and cutting. Allegedly.

Reports say after seeing the poorly made sandwich Lyndel armed himself with a knife and slashed his fiance’s finger. It bled.

The attacks did not stop. Records state Lyndel Toppin then bit his teeth deeply into his fiance’s wrist. His devotion to not letting go would have impressed the most dogged of mean pitbulls.

An investigator stated, “Toppin bit down on the victim’s arm and would not release his bite.”

The deep finger laceration required 23 stitches to mend and Chitwood was disgusted the ligament damaging injuries:

“It was a barbaric attack,” said the police Superintendent.

Born and raised in West Philadelphia, Toppin faces many assault charges in a court of law.

Another Superintendent, John Reilly Jr. quips, “Wait until he gets a load of the prison food.”

Don’t bite women, men. It’s immoral. It is a crime in the eyes of the law and the eyes of God.

D.D.M.

Is It OK For A Christian Husband to Gently Beat His Wife?

Over the last several weeks, some ‘concerned’ readers sent sporadic emails to our intern staff about a column where we discussed the tendency of wives to get a bit loquacious at inappropriate moments, and how a good husband may go about politely handling a sassy woman.

I forwarded the following suggestion to the community:

“…sometimes in marriage the grave and solemn responsibility to politely tell the wife to be quiet and stay in her place falls upon every husband.

Being fickle and temperamental, women do not always respond to gentle words so at times a swift, backhanded slap across the face must be applied to them. This usually gets their attention and sets order straight.”

Now, I expressed the seriousness of such a situation and indicated that when cause arises, where a man must put an uppity feminist acting wife in her place, that the actions should be loving, kind and swift; much like the wrath of God when he warns you to stop sinning.

Unfortunately, some liberals out there got the wrong idea and suggested that I promoted some form of sot-ridden domestic abuse, one even having the audacity to suggest I’m ‘a drunk barbarian hick masquerading under the guise of educated morality’.

There is nothing drunk or barbaric about God’s law.

1 Corinthians 11:8 – 9
8 For man did not come from woman, but woman from man;
9 neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.

1 Corinthians 14:34 – 35
34 women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says.
35 If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.

A man’s home is his holy sanctuary, as is his body, and therefore it is a man’s responsibility to ensure God’s law reigns supreme in his home and marriage.

Now do not get me wrong. God or the Bible does not condone beating a wife to the point that she is hurt. That is just wrong, sick and immoral. Men should love a wife as he loves his own body, lest a man be struck down by the mighty hand of God himself.

What cannot be overlooked is the fact that woman was given to man, as a gift from God. This gift is personalized via marriage.

A woman may only leave her husband if he cheats on her or abandons her, and anything else is subject to scrutiny; this includes giving your wife a loving tap on the cheek when she gets out of line.

There is a level of discernment one must use. The Redcoats over in Britain, who have a penchant for the dramatic, hired Hollywood actress Keira Knightley to show the wrong way for a husband to treat a wife. Let us take a look.

Now that is immoral and even if your wife cheats on you, which if this was a few hundred years ago I would personally help you stone her to death for, this day and age you just do not beat a woman like that. It is sick.

Instead, you just give them…a little Godly tap on the cheek. A reminder of who is in charge and that your wrath can be great, but for your loved one you show warning in your mercy.

Coincidentally, Sir Sean Connery understands this concept and explained it in an interview with Barbara Walters.

Hopefully this clears up everything for you inquisitive readers out there. Until next time, take care of yourself and each other.

Is It Ok For My Christian Daughter To Masturbate?

Dear Amber,
I first want to say I’m a really big fan of your work on ChristWire and really enjoy your insight into our world’s pressing issues. The question I have for you today is really embarrassing, but I hope that by asking it here I can help other parents out there too.

Some time ago my daughter forgot to take her laundry from the dryer before taking off for volleyball practice, so I folded them up and went to put them up for her in room.

When I reached in her undergarment drawer and I will be frank, my heart dropped as I found one of those electronic phallic objects in it. They are used to ‘M’ and I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I thought to ask my husband, but didn’t want him to have to go through the embarrassment and anguish of such things. I instead asked several of my close girlfriends, some of who are not Christians, and some of them said this was a normal part of a healthy teen’s lifestyle.

The night I decided to talk to my daughter about all this, I heard well…I heard reason to not go in the room. I believe she was using the device then. Is this really alright behavior for a good girl or do I need to confront her? Please help!

- Concerned in San Diego

Dear Concerned in San Diego,
You need to immediately take that sinful device from your daughter. Masturbation is another form of pornography that will infest your daughter’s mind and serve as a gateway to far worse sexual activities.

Studies show that 87% of the women who become prostitutes did so because of unbridled masturbation as a teenager, and over 90% of girls who become pregnant as teenagers did so because of masturbation loosened their morals and made them more apt to engage in unprotected fornication.

Masturbation will make your daughter very comfortable exploring her body, and it will not be long until she begins to envision other people partaking in the deviant behavior with her.

This will of course lead to your daughter seeking out a male companion, or even female. As a teenager, your daughter’s mind is not yet developed enough to handle the pressures and responsibilities of being sexually active. It will lead to great sorrow in her life if you don’t put a stop to it right now.

So first, have a talk with your daughter and pray with her. Pray all that sinful desire of masturbation right out of her heart. Throw the device away, and then enroll her in some abstinence counseling sessions. These will teach your daughter the value and need of respecting her body until marriage. Masturbation is very unnatural and by taking proactive steps to get this bizarre behavior out of your teen’s life, you’ll ensure she has a better future.
-Amber

Hi Amber!

Help! I’m currently trying to impress a young lady that I’d like to ask to my spring formal. She’s truly special and I thought that maybe asking her on a few dates ahead of time, then showering her with gifts would warm her heart to me so when I ask her, she’ll well know my intentions and heart. Any suggestions on what to do in particular would be great. Thanks!

M.B., Maryland

Hi MB!,

Young love is truly exciting and what you’ve planned to do sounds truly wonderful. I suggest many, many chocolates and don’t just ask her on dinner dates. Mix it up! Ask her out to breakfast or lunch. Learn her interests and then set up a date or two that revolves around those too. Do things as friends and let your relationship progress from there.
-Amber

Dear Amber,
My family are very devout Christians (I don’t even know if there was a generation of ust that wasn’t) and my father is also a pastor. I recently met a charming boy who I love dearly and in my heart I feel we can really go great places together, he’s wonderful.

The problem is that he is Muslim and my family do have a problem with trust, call them very patriotic. How do I explain to my family that they have to get to know the person and not judge on outside prejudice?

- Wisconsin girl in love

Dear Wisconsin Love,

Your parents love you with all their heart and are looking out for your best interest. Many people do not realize this, but the threat of Homegrown Terrorism is very, very high and every neighborhood may have an American jihadist traitor lurking about.

Jihad USA: Confronting the threat of homegrown terror is an excellent piece that will open your eyes against this very serious threat to America and potentially to your life.

Imagine the sorrow in your parents hearts if this young man is one of the hundreds of millions of Muslims who could potentially be working with homegrown terrorists, and he did something to harm you. Would that not be a cruel fate to place on your parents?

That is their concern, Wisconsin Girl. When you’re young it’s really easy to want to combat your parents and not take their word to heart. But know they are always looking out for your best interests and something in their guts is telling them, “no, no, no”.

So talk to them more about their views on terrorists in America and ask the young man about it too. If he becomes upset with you asking and gets offended, run! He may be guilty. Your parents love you and someone else does too, Wisconsin Girl.

- Amber

Dear Ms. Cooper,

My son loves video games! I know that there are many bad games out there that cause violence in our youth, but my boy really loves playing games (arcades, handheld, computer) and is a tech wiz. My wife and I would like to get him a really nice new gaming set and television for his upcoming bday (his grades are really awesome too) and feel he would appreciate it. What games can we get to go with his gift?

Jim R., S.D.

Dear Jim R.,

It is great to hear about your son’s grades and to also know that you and your wife are reinforcing his interests and achievements with responsible parental glee. Today too many parents buy entertainment systems for their children without properly taking review into what their kid’s are getting for their personal computers and video gaming machines.

I should also mention that many video games do indeed inspire the desire for violence, terrorism and hedonistic acts in teenager. Therefore you should surely limit your son’s gaming time, even when playing a good Christian reviewed game, to no more than three or four hours per week.

Also remember this. For every hour your play, two hours you pray!

Your teen will love the extra prayer time and video games can be great fun for the entire family as well. My family recently bought the Wii and we are enjoying the Wii sports options on it.

There are also two great sites you should look at!
Christian Centered Gamer
Plain Games
Guide 2 Games (Though some of their reviews are a bit too secular and do not use enough scrutiny)

These sites are invaluable when looking for new (or old) gaming options for your teens.

---

If you would like to ask Amber a question or for a word of life-enriching advice, simply email AskAmber@christwire.org.

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My Wife is Smoking Hot, But Had Sexual Cheating With Another Man – What to do?

Hello, good friends, Joe P. Reagan here. Hopefully everyone is having a good mid-week. As always, there is another question that has filled my inquisitive mind. This time it’s more of a conundrum, if you will. What on Earth does a man do when his disproportionately smoking hot wife decides to cheat on him, yet wants him back?

Now, to start things off, the answer to this question for many here would seem quite simple and immediate. To save 1,000 words, a picture:

Again, pardon the crassness, but that’s just the natural order of society sometimes. Receiving a right and proper Connery style slap should not come as a surprise in such a situation. So what’s the backstory of today’s question? Is old Joe having relationship problems?

Not at all, friends, there is no cause of concern from my end, but it seems today one of our fellow men is on the road of misery, at the hands of a young, hot buxome blonde female who has no honor. It’s of course our place to be armchair captains and give our fellow man advice.

Meet Lauren Cleri, a 26-year-old woman who appeared sometime ago on a reality tv show ‘Moment of Truth’. The show is hosted by none other than Mark Wahlberg.

The premise of this show is that people come on air and reveal juicy, juicy secrets that would give a guild of gossiping church women a case of carnal jollies. These are supposed to be the type of personal secrets that would put new information about the tinfoil-hat-claimed JFK assassination cover-up into yawn worthy territory.

So on strides the token blonde wife, named Lauren. Only 26. She is the wife of a young NYPD officer who is named Frank Cleri, a 24-year-old bloke. What could Ms. Lauren possibly have to tell Frank, and the rest of the world, that would be worth netting $100,000 for every ‘truth’ she revealed about herself? Yeah, that’s the payout. $100,000 for every question you honestly answer and a polygraph test.

Keep in mind all of Frank’s buddies at the precinct are probably watching the show. His mom probably popped some popcorn and was in the easy chair, waiting to see her baby on TV. Grandma Edna visisted from the nursing home to see her grandson on the moving pictures.

With such a nice gathering of family and friends, and along with 8 million other viewers, Lauren Cleri unleashed this paraphrased dagger: “I’ve been sleeping around and want to wed another man.” “I’m telling this so I can have fame and fortune.” This is me kidding you not. What is a person to do? Sean Connery, any suggestions?

Indeed. Now, according to various reports (cited at the end), Frank had some knowledge that his wife had been playing the field. That’s tough enough to work through. What he didn’t know is that she was going to suggest they take her cheating public to get some money off this show, yet he still agreed to the premise of it.

On the show’s air date, there were of course surprises lined up for Mr. Cleri. Lauren’s ex boyfriend made a cameo appearance, as himself! The question he asked: “Do you believe I am the man you should be married to?” Of course, Lauren says yes, the polygraph registers her as telling the truth, and she gets $100,000. Sweet. Frank was grimacing, but who cares, right? More stuff happened, but in the end karma smacked Lauren and she received no money for lying on the question, “Do you think you’re a good person.” She said yes, the polygraph disagreed.

The point today is not really the story from this latest dreg of a show, but moreso the implications raised by such a show. My initial question: “What do you do when you find your smoking hot wife has been cheating on you?” has many possible answers. One I don’t think should be the answer is “Go on national TV and let network executives nationally exploit and humiliate you to turn a profit, all the while making light of the fact your wife is cheating on you…a lot.” Is our culture really at the point to where we make stuff like this our evening entertainment?

The fact that we have yet another show that encourages society to revel in cheating relationships, as our divorce rate sharply rises and rate of commitment to relationships bottom out, is disheartening at best. There is a time for nudge-nudge wink-wink bachelor humor at infidelity, but then there is a time to hang that crap up and get serious.

This goes for both men and women. There is nothing funny about infidelity and it should not be the center piece of a prime-time television show. At the base of things from the story, I could sympathize with Frank. The harlot cheated on him, he’s feeling down and out, and he goes along with her scheme to profit off her being a skank. Somewhat understandable. I could see myself potentially wanting to somehow profit from the worst of possible situations (they had apparently planned to split prize money 50/50).

So what’s the ideal thing to do in such a situation? It’s to rise above the circumstance and put the stuff either beneath you or work through it. For such a young and single couple, Frank should have told the woman to kick rocks as soon as he found out and scrogged her best friend or hot cousin for good measure. Ok, maybe not the second part. Seriously, he should have hit the divorce court as soon as possible and got her ass documented as cheating so he could come out on top after the split. That’s the bottom line. Once someone is a cheater, they tend to be a cheater. (Yeah, I know, there are ‘Promise Keepers’)

For people who have children, the issue of ‘cheating around’ takes a level of unprecedented and serious bearing. What the hell do you do? I’m young myself and haven’t been in such a situation, so I don’t have an answer. I’d likely tell the woman off, go to court and go from there. I’d at least leave myself with some dignity by not letting the situation be exploited by others.

So that’s where we are today, folks. We have a society where divorce rates are up, people can’t stay committed, and our media thinks it’s a good idea to exploit the downfall of society by encouraging stuff like this to reach every household, in detail. The problem of course with that is the fact that when something gets saturated and a ‘household item’ in popular culture, it tends to become more accepted as a norm for society and eventually a mainplace trend.

Soon we just may reach a point where conversations will sound like, “What, you’ve been married for 3 years and haven’t cheated yet? Weirdo, let’s fix that.” Such is the natural conclusion of a lifestyle that’s largely shaped by a media with diminishing ethics and without good bearing.

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=Joe P. Reagan=

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Ann Coulter Is A Brilliant, Handsome Woman I Wish Would Marry Me

With the skin like porcelain, yet so warm and supple, and mind so enlightened it could guide a ship home in the roughest tempest-tossed sea, it is shock that the angelic God-send Ann Coulter does not have long line of men begging to be hers in holy matrimony.

A man would be lucky to have the so soft, delicate flower hands of Ann Coulter holding his when walking down aisle to get married and happily have kids together in bright Hollywood style future.

But no! No, too many sinful men and jealous women in this country have the hearts hardened against the message and jaw-dropping beauty of Ann Coulter. They fail to appreciate the treasure of this woman.

Since moving to Western world only 2 years ago, every day I rise early like the bright morning sun to bathe in the warm rays of Ann Coulter’s beauty. On the talk shows her words are as gentle as her face. Those who are known liberals always love to regularly attack Ann. Is it because Ann is a bad person? No, no it is not.

Media says Ann Coulter is a racist. Others say she does not love her country. These lies and propaganda make my anger grow slowly by slowly.

How can such a gentle creature who loves her country secretly harbor so much hate?

The answer is that she does not hate. Ann Coulter loves God and country, and I am sure wants to start to love a man too.

Men of today have been caught in temptation of wanting woman who is loose in values and morals, not one of character, respect and dignity like Ann Coulter. This is why so many divorces.

While the package of sin may look shiny on the outside, it is always rotten on inside. Ann Coulter is a woman whose outer beauty matches the good-ness within. Look to her example if you need to find a good moral woman of faith in your life.

I am still single myself, and always am looking to find perfect mate. If I ever get contact from Ann Coulter, rest assured I will think he who is above all for my rich blessings!

In His Service,
QVT