The CDC has confirmed the first known case of Stage 4 Homosexuality.
While seasoned gays such as Sir Elton John, Liberace and Sir Ian McKellen are some of the most recognizable examples of men who are in Stage III homosexuality, officials warn that Stage IV homosexuality takes the condition ‘to entirely new levels of psychological and physiological extremes’ that push the limits of the human body.
Gays are known for their unusually high affinity for life and levels of energy. Scientists estimate this is due to gay men inheriting double-mitochondrial level density from their mothers, which explains how gays are able to keep powerful corporate jobs by day and engage in intense drug-fueled raves and benders by night and weekend, to only wake fresh and early the next day, Starbucks in hand and chipper attitude in stride as they pose for selfies on their newsfeeds.
As Dr. Kevin Haskins with the CDC puts it, “The human body was simply never made to take this level of strain.”
Scientists report that early last week, a gay man was brought into a hospital emergency room after being unable to quit excessively gay activity. The man’s husband reports that his partner ‘did not sleep for over a week straight, and was caught in an obsessive cycle of work, partying, drugs, weight-lifting and unspeakable passion’.
“His body just could not take a break from doing classically gay things,” one doctor called in reported. Out of desperation, the couple even called in priests and Christian scientists confirmed the homosexuality could not even be exorcised or prayed out of the victim.
“His homosexuality is so severe, he cannot rest. The scent of a straight man only causes him to ravenously stamp his legs and growl seductively. The sight of metal causes him to run to it and start grunting and lifting. A new outfit, and he’ll pose for hours on end in the mirror. It just goes on and on,” reported a friend.
The Christian Defense League of Texas encourages homosexuals to consider getting prayer and converting back to heterosexuality, as there is no known cure for Stage IV Homosexuality.
Symptoms
The AMA is defining Stage IV Homosexuality as ‘an orientation condition in which the sufferer cannot reverse his sexuality to its default natural state.’
Those who are borderline Phase 4 Homosexuality may display the following symptoms:
- Obsessive Need to Exercise; Hypermyopathy
- Insomnia
- Higher Than Usual Intelligence
- Intense OCD
- Slurred Speech
- ACHD/Listlessness
