My name is Mason Smith and I have a truth to share: my manhood is two inches smaller and the relentless NFL coverage at Taylor Swift is to blame.
I am a courageous man who will speak my truth. I believe in the Constitution. I believe in the Second Amendment. I believe in Jesus and that America is His 2nd Amendment guarantee for humanity’s safety. And I believe that every man has a right to control and dictate the rights of his body and that of his family.
And those God given facts and rights are what lead to this editorial revelation today, my friends. All football season long, for the first time in my life, I felt afraid for the safety of my body, the bodies of my family (my now separated wife and my dog) and my town. It was an existential threat, an overwhelming threat of doom I had never known.
It started off small. As I watched football highlights, it was revealed that the cheating Chiefs and their jab-happy poster boy Travis Kelce were dating pop star Taylor Swift. I always thought she was a decent country girl but then I heard she was not a Republican and was encouraging communism. She donates her money to charities, gives her staff large chunks of money and worst of all even helped someone PAY OFF THEIR STUDENT LOANS. She encourages her fans to be ‘strong women and girls’ and then encourages them to be defiant to a man’s authority, even if they have a father or strong-handed husband who is telling them what to do.
This sort of insurrection to authority is expected from Democrats and liberals, but who would have thought it would have sneaked its way into our birthright of enjoying a good football game on Sunday after church? Every time I had to see clips of her at a Chief’s game, or worse watching it live with her singing and swaying, doing the Swagga Surf with that red cherry lipstick on her perfectly glistening lips, it made me fell less powerful down below.
What I didn’t understand at the time –until speaking with my church pastor who is also a psychologist– is that the liberals were using something called a ‘Pavlov’ method to emasculate me and millions of other football fans and weaken our resolve and manhood.
You see, they knew that Taylor’s politics, coupled with that after her vaccyjab-believer boyfriend, would make us upset and trigger deep feelings. They knew every time we saw Taylor on screen, millions were being tempted to listen to her music. Her fans were taking over the NFL. They were making it the new Soddom and Gomorrah of thought and practice. They knew it would trigger emotions.
All year long, my the strength of my manhood diminished every Sunday. My wife was starting to become convinced I didnt’ find her attractive any more and maybe as having an affair. No matter how loudly I yelled at her and told her she was wrong, she would just cry more and accuse me of more affairs as I went to bars to drink the stress away. I tried to take things like HIMS and Cialis to know avail. My pastor revealed my problem was beyond that, because the Pavlov conditioning Biden and his liberal TV buddies did with the NFL/Taylor Swift combo was to give me PTSD linked to football.
So now every time I think of any sport, my body thinks: “Do the Taylor Swift image routine”. This causes my stress hormone to spike. This causes my body to have decreased testosterone and decreased estrogen. This –beyond even the power of HIMS and Cialis — causes my God-given fortress of manhood to not have the ability to project strength and authority as to pin down my wife as I exert my dominance. It has ruined my marriage. It has ruined by confidence. And it has made me share this poignant story that I –along with millions of other proper conservative Republican men — have suffered this football season.
The truth has been revealed and we demand that if this nation is decent, if our truths are to be respected, that this open letter — this editorial sharing of the heart, body and soul- not go ignored, not go disrespected, and for the NFL to ban Travis Kelce and his Taylor Swift from appearing at the Super Bowl this Sunday. Only if this is done can I recover and feel like I have been compensated somehow and had MY VOICE heard and those voice of MILLIONS of my brothers heard loud and clear.
–Blessings in His Name–