Santa has long been an adversarial detriment and antagonist against the nuclear family around the holiday season. Bogarting all the credit for toys hard earned by hours of labor in a thankless job, Santa is vainglorious as he steals the honor and glory that should be going to dads worldwide who spend their money to give gifts to their wife and kids.
But beyond stealing the spotlight on Christ’s birthday and getting unearned ‘thanks’ for toys he did not buy, new reports reveal a trend of local Santa’s praying on suburban moms who take their kids to get cutsie photops over the Christmas season.
Santa’s desire is the same as it is always been: sneak down the chimney and unload his gifts. But instead of targeting the home and Christian faith of his victims, this time he is targetting a new prize: the woman of the house.
According to insider reports, all across the world mall Santas have developed an app where they keep score on how many moms they can seduce over the holiday season. They know the moms are full of chocolates and fantasies borne of sappy Hallmark Channel Christmas Romcoms. These women are moist with estrogen and get mentally and physically confused when Santa starts to put the moves on them, oft leaving their Insta profile or phone number in exchange for sly whisperings from Santa.
You will notice that Santa may say, “Ho, ho, ho, Mom and dad, feel free to come sit on my lap too.” This is all a ruse to get the woman on the lap where he will try to let her feel his rutting antler beneath the robe, all while everyone else is none the wiser but she will get the message.
In the evidential image, look at how Santa finally gets someone’s wife alone and he unwraps his ultimate prize, probably a very expensive cashmere robe that her husband bought revealing her mammalian pleasures.
Santa will not stop until he seals the deal.
The only way to not fall victim to this is to start being truthful about Christmas. Tell your kids that modern Santa is not real. He is just a commercialized weapon against Christ and Christians. Let your kids know that atheists love to perpetuate the Santa myth as they don’t want people focusing on Christ during Christmas. The only real ‘Santa’ was Saint Nicholaus and he died hundreds of years ago in a sweaty desert. Tell your wife she is forbidden from going to the mall and getting wooed by any of these liquor filled men in red jumpsuits. If you don’t, you will find your wife singing Santa baby and letting him slide down her chimney tonight.